Ok i’m going to try and rewrite it now the thoughts have had time to sink in a little. A lot of what i was trying to say came out entirely wrong so let me try and reiterate in a more logical linear sense. Sometimes thoughts just come out in a giant mixed up heap and that isn’t good, especially if they are read and taken in the wrong way..

About the post i wrote last night. Now i have protected it so most of you readers won’t have seen it. I was very frustrated and in a very big mood and i couldn’t shake it. One of the reasons Mistress made me start this blog was to let out my emotions and have somewhere to vent. I won’t pretend it was a pretty post. It was a huge vent. In my life i have seen what trouble those kind of frustrated feelings can cause if let go unchecked. So i am very careful not to release those feelings to anyone. I cannot let them go around people anymore. Havn’t been able to in a long time. To be honest i think there were some things that just built up too far last night but i think i have let them go somewhat now. I still havn’t slept but i feel calmer.

I am concerned for Mistress right now and trying to be a very good girl and i think I have mostly been able to manage that. I have been remembering my duties and doing them diligently. I think, i hope. I know Mistress has had a hard time in rl right now so me being good takes of a worry for her, and thats what i want. To be able to help her have less worries is important to me.

Things have been different without sakura and i am adjusting slowly. Something does feel lost now. I am concerned i am distancing myself a little. But i am not going to let fear or anything get in the way of any of this. It has been harder due to somethings but that is getting easier now after the venting last night. Although i do have something i have to think on. Last night i was talking with brother and recounting some of the events in his life and i sit there wondering because i have no interesting stories like that and the stories i do have i get a little embaressed talking about them because they are nothing in comparison, and that bothers me.

I do have a few thoughts today. I was wondering if it was normal for a submissive to feel a little out of contact with that submission that drives them? Not the core need to serve in whatever way is pleasing but that more tangible everyday feeling. In my core i know i want to serve and i am submissive, that i am Mistress’s girl and owned. . Nothing is going to change that. But today i feel very disconnected from that inner drive. I feel like a kid in high school, when you’ve just got into class and you realise because of a room change, the teacher isn’t there and you are free to act up…even if it will get you into trouble, even if your gut is saying no.. Go and get the teacher go and get the teacher. And if you are are wondering.. when i was a child i was the kid that went and got the teacher.

At times like this i crave more control and less of my own choice and i guess i need to communicate that better. I am still learning what it is that i need from Mistress, and she from me. I think that no matter the amount of training you are on a constant learning curve and that through that is growth.

There i think this makes more sense now.

A more understandable little girl.