There have been so many things that have struck me today.. So many and where to start. This blog is my new beginning and all my thoughts i shall pour out to the world…..

The one thing that has left the largest impression was possibly such a small fleeting moment and yet it has taken my breath away. I did not believe it would ever happen again and instead it hit me like a brick wall and i saw it clearer then i ever have. Even as i write about it at my desk with the light on my face and the mundane so close do i feel that wall of energy wash over me.

I was about my usual nightly routine. I had put my daughter to bed and i was awaiting the arrival of my Mistress and friend, confidante and Muse when i stepped outside for a brief moment of peace. I had in my mind the sanctuary so willingly shared. I could feel it around me inside and out. The colours, smells, feelings and the presence of the sweet woman inside who brings that wash of peace to me as i lie on the grass with my hand outstretched, hers in mine with the energy she gives so freely inside me when i looked up at the sky. The sights i saw after shall stay with me forever.

I glanced up at the night sky to see something i never again thought i could. The moon, bright, powerful its light shining down on me in the dark of my garden. The clouds were thin, wispy and so so close it took my breath away. The moons light on them making them shine in a sweet glimmer of pure white light on the background of nights velvet sky. And as i looked what i saw brought tears to my eyes like i have felt only once. The clouds made a stairway to the moon, arranged as if one on top of another in shimmering succession to a place and a love i had for so long forgotten. and in the moons light, at the apex of this staircase of energy i saw her, behind, in front and all around the moon.

My sweet Goddess her hair shining in the light i saw her. Her hair was long and loose flowing down her back like a cloak of brown silk, her gown of blue at once merging and seperate to the night sky. Her long sleeves hiding her hands, as they outstretched to me. The gown cut to fall just off her shoulders showing the milky shimmering skin of her neck and upper chest stopping just below the delicate collarbone. The seams of her dress glimmering silver stars and all over her dress the dusting of starlight. Her mythril silver eyes seemed to go right through to the heart of me. That part inside that I think perhaps 2 have ever seen in this life and i saw myself as i never have. I saw the whole of me just for a second and my breath was taken.

I stood there in the field of the sanctuary i share. The wind blowing through my long hazelnut hair, long and loose. The waves in it gently curling as it fell down my back down as far as my hips. I was in a dress of white, similar to the Goddess i love. The white shone in the moonlit sky as if glowing with a light unseen light. The dress fell just off my shoulders the sleeves long tapering down to my hands showing my pale untouched skin the shoulders rouched pulling them in close to my body letting the white silk sleeves fall, loose and as flowing as my hair, over my arms.around my waist a belt of silver shimmering like a star encirling my waist, falling to my hips and then down my dress in a delicate brocade. The skirt loose, flowing white silk. I saw my face, that face that I thought i would never see, the one almost none have. My skin pale, my hazel eyes shining like a forest pool and the skin so delicate and pale it was almost white. The only colour a blush rose on my lips and cheeks. … And the thing that caught my breath the most , the thing that even now i disbelief.. I’m even unsure writing it waiting for someone to laugh at me.. I saw a pair of wings. Not quite there, they danced on the night air as if i was seeing something hidden, like an apparition. I saw it all, the detailings on the feathers , the shine on the soft down , the way they moved gently on my back and how the feathers blew in the breeze. I at once understood and knew that the feelings I had felt since childhood, that weight sat just on top of my shoulderblades was that i had never seen till this night by the Goddess i so desperately missed. And i stood then in that field on the other side of the flowing babbling river, so close to that house filled with love. I could see standing amidst the jasmine the woman that means so much o me, i saw her energy a glowing golden green light flowing around her like a million fireflys and it made me cry , the tears falling down my pale face. I was not sad; i don’t think i could describe it better than saying the feeling of love i felt overwhelmed me and i felt the energy rise within me like .. like. a volcano would erupt. Never have i felt my energy rise so fast. I felt the warmth of my hands, the energy flowing around me and in me like a river that pooled at my hands. And i knew at that moment that energy was for her that stood in the jasmine. Quiet , serene, peaceful as she was there in the flowers.. fulfilled in her haven by her house filled with love. The energy left me then. well not left it jumped from me like a firework goes up to the night sky to her. I do not know if she saw me or whether she felt it and in that moment i pulled back. Back to my garden, standing there looking up at the moon the clouds bathed in its light. It left me shocked. i stood there not knowing what to feel , i could still feel the remnants of that energy inside me. Powerful, warm, fizzing like sherbet filling me.

There has only ever been one other time I have been visited by my Goddess so clearly and I was a child of fourteen spurned by all who should love her, my parents smirking in their bitterness to me. My mother cold, who would do anything to make the pain in me rise, the insults the jibes, the cold shoulders and the feeling of loathing for me so intense it left me ripped of all feelings wanting so badly to be free of it all. She enjoyed that look of hurt. She enjoyed the power to take from me all light and turn it into bitter darkness.My father in his indifference who would sit there ever grieving the loss of his brother, my uncle.Blind to all around him. I lay in my bed that morning having spent all my night crying knowing that all i wanted was sweet death and final unending peace. Inside the darkness had won and i felt weak, so weak. I picked up my razor and knew as i took it to the unmarked skin , feeling the blood flow down my arms to the bed underneath that i was finding peace. I let it flow i let it all go with the blood that pooled on the bed under me. And in those moments where i was starting to drift she was there, at my side i could barely open my eyes, no strength left in me. And she sat with me, and stroked my face as the tears fell down. And she told me she loved me and always would. That she would protect me and watch me and i would never be alone again and the love i felt then was a love i had never felt throughout my years of life , short as they were… And as i felt that love i opened my eyes. Just slighty , my vision blurry, a woman in a blue dress, long and loose, long brwn hair tied in a braid. and then i remember nothing till i awoke to my mother, shouting at the mess i had made.. Not worried for my health.. the mess. I was to weak to care and at that point i knew i had to fight. To live. Because of her , the one who watched me.

I had all but lost that fight in my life until 2 people entered it. My lover, my life who brought back fire to me. Brought back that will to be myself and look to life; and my muse who slowly gives me back the ability to dream, to believe in myself and my powers and gifts. Too look inside myself and see me there.. and hopefully one day accept all i am.

I found this poem today, after the encounter in the garden , i read it and it made me think of those my lover and my muse, mand to look at myself as they have both taught me. So i want to share that.

Angel Girl

It takes a secure girl,
To let go of her pain
To conquer every trial,
And break off every chain

It takes more than heartbreak
To break her
It takes more than one storm
To shake her
It takes more than a chain
To make her—
Stay down—
She can take more than that

Every girl is an angel,
Her heart is her wings
Some are set free to fly,
Others are tied down by strings

Every girl is an angel,
Free to dance and free to sing
She’s allowed to enjoy every moment,
And the happiness life does bring

It takes an angel girl,
To remember what she forgave
To cast away her bitterness,
And not become its slave

It takes an angel girl,
With a heart so bold and brave
To pick up her halo,
And overcome her grave

It takes a strong girl,
To smile through her tears
To pick herself up again,
And continue to persevere
It takes a strong girl,
To face her every fear
To overlook the negative—
Every glare and every sneer

It takes more than heartbreak
To break her
It takes more than one storm
To shake her
It takes more than a chain
To make her Stay down
She can take more than that
It takes a joyful girl,
To keep on singing along
When her days darken,
And everything goes wrong