I read a blog post recently where the writer mentioned that the reason she liked older women was in part due to the power, the success and the achievement in their lives and that She felt a blissful happiness she can only feel with a woman. . *links to the post by lauren*
(( read post for the rest to make sense))
The validation she mentions, i feel that too. If Mistress see’s something in me worth caring about it has to be there. I admit, i don’t love myself as much as i should and seek validation in others. It’s quite a flaw actually. Without that validation i don’t feel whole. I’m like a little girl like that. But it’s not done in a conceitment. It’s not done for vanity. Without it i don’t feel any sense of achievement and thats important in anyones life.
I’ve realised there is only one thing in my life right now i feel achievement in. My service to Mistress. Why? because it fulfills me, i serve out of love, and in part it fills that need for validation for me.I think that is why i sometimes crave more control. Not because there isn’t enough but because i need that validation from someone. Someone telling me how proud they are of me. How good i am or what a good job at something i did.
I have spent the last week or so having really bad trouble sleeping. At most getting a few hours sleep a night. And that little sleep in me i get a little paranoid, and definitely edgy. I can’t relax. My mind does not stop thinking about everything, every single last thing and all the things that come off that. It’s very tiring ironically. Its lead to a change in my behaviour, like you might expect really but..is it really ok?
I have to be capable of more than i am doing right now. That means thinking about change.. not something easy when you are feeling paranoid and edgy from lack of sleep. I don’t feel attractive. There are things i don’t like about my appearance and as much as its easy enough to say well just change it then there are other factors.. money being one of them. I am on disability, and that is starting to bug me because i feel like i don’t achieve anything throughout my day, i don’t work. I don’t have something i can sink my teeth into i just feel like i am living an empty life in some areas. Others i am very happy with and feel like i am very lucky.
Go figure.
I had planned on this huge list of things i dislike and the ways to change them, but that was at 5am when i was half asleep and i cannot remember everything now but i think i need to write one, make goals and plans and really think about things.
I need Mistress, She’s my rock and my love and i am so very lucky in that area of my life
Last night i accidently topped Mistress from the bottom and i regret it. Mistress and i had taken a break to get dinner and relax a bit. Around the time we were going to meet up again i came back before Mistress and i knew i needed a bath and instead of unmuting my mic and asking Her if i could i waited until She got back because i didn’t want to disturb Her from relaxing. However when She did return i mentioned that i was going to have a bath while She was gone but i didn’t know when She would be returning and i didn’t ask. I made Mistress feel bad about that because instead of giving her the option of saying whether i could or couldn’t go i essentially guilt tripped her into a choice when She got back. It wasn’t intentional but it did happen. I regret it. Mistress told me to go take a bath, She turned off the cam and said She would return in an hour. I felt horrible, i knew She was upset at me as She had turned the cam off. When She did explain why i finally understood. I did not intend it but it happened. I need to be careful about that in future.
Taken from the youtube video link description. I’m posting it here to raise a little awareness as i cannot donate bt wholeheartedly support the message of tolerance for subcultures this charity hope to teach.
In August 2007, Sophie Lancaster was kicked to death, simply for dressing differently. Two years on, and in tribute to the outgoing, bubbly girl who was denied the chance to live life her way, cult new British make-up brand Illamasqua has commissioned a short film by award-winning French director, Fursy Teyssier.
Produced by creative agency Propaganda, in association with iconic British band, Portishead, Dark Angel is a beautifully haunting rendition of Sophies story.
The aim of the film is to raise awareness of The Sophie Lancaster Foundation and generate £500,000 to help educate young people about tolerance. Since Sophies death, weve been working with behavioural experts Huthwaite International, to put together an interactive youth workshop that does just that.
But this essential education programme can only be delivered with your help.
Please, please show your support watch the film and make a donation.
Were hoping to reach over 1,000,000 hits, so forward the link and help us spread the message. If you have your own website, blog, Facebook, MySpace or You Tube page, or a Twitter profile, please display a link to the film. For added impact, download a specially designed web banner at www.illamasqua.com/sophie/ now.
As well as being available to view online, the film will also be running for a week on MTV from 26th November Sophie’s birthday.
Stand up for Sophie act now and buy an Illamasqua Sophie pencil, wristband or make a donation.
Together, well help stamp out prejudice, hatred and intolerance everywhere.
What’s the item of clothing in your wardrobe that makes you feel sexiest?
The outfit that makes me feel sexiest right now is my black satin shirt and my purple satin with black lace panties.
What’s the most sensual activity you take part in that does not involve human contact or sexual pleasure?
I think the most sensual thing i do now that does not involve human contact or sexual pleasure is the act of eating. The feel, smell , taste of foods can combine together to a heady experience. Who hasn’t seen those adverts for ice cream, or chocolate or even coca cola that hasn’t used mankinds sensual relationship. For example, imagine the feel of ice cream, that ice cold kiss on your tongue, and as it slides down your throat, the taste melting onto your tongue and your mouth warming up your ready for the next spoonful.
What three people have had the greatest influence over your sexuality? (Whether you’ve ever had sex with them, or even met them, is not the point.)
Mistress has helped me grow in my desires, my fantasies and my sexual wants. She has opened me up to so much and i am grateful.
Dita von Teese
Phaedre no Delauney ( a character from a book written by Jaqueline Carey)
What sexual activity could you happily swear off for the rest of your life?
I actually can’t think of any right now i would happily say goodbye to for the rest of my life. I think its a very case by case thing and depends on the mood, the partner etc.
When does your libido tend to peak?
It seems to be around the mid and end of the month.
What are you ashamed of?
Only Mistress knows that
What do you regret not doing, sexually? (As in, what situation would you go back to and re-do if you could?)
I think that would be the first time i was with a girl. Her name was sara. She was this beautiful willowy girl with red hair and green elven like eyes. She was engaged and in an open relationship with a guy that i had also played with. It was our first threesome and he had ordered me to focus on her. She was laying on the bed, hair all splayed out beneath her, flushed and writhing as i had just gone down on her and he handed me her strap on and told me to take her. I slipped it on, adjusted it as i was bigger than her but as i was sliding the cock inside her i pushed at slightly the wrong angle, she yelped in pain and i froze up. I couldn’t carry on. I wish now i had had the confidence to laugh it off and carry on.
What are your hard limits when it comes to sex? From there, what’s the closest thing to a hard limit that you’ve got where there’s still a teensy bit of wiggle room?
My hard limits are scat and certain types of age play. I do not and will never do the mummy daughter, daddy little girl thing during a scene. I don’t and won’t do diapers or infatilism. Some age play i do like, i do have a very .. little girl streak in terms of behaviour as Mistress and anyone who reads my blog will know. Watersports used to be on that list.. however.. i think there are certain things in the watersports category that are a grey area for me now.
What would your perfect sexual partner be like?
Mistress! No question *grins*.
What book has most influenced the way you feel about sex?
Kushiels Dart by Jaqueline Carey. It was the first book i read that involved D/s and S and M and it has heavily influenced the rest of my sexual life and the acceptance of what i was.. a slave. There are still things in that book that remain and are some of my deepest fantasies.
What film scene (that did not appear in a porn film) has aroused you most?
The scenes from Eyes Wide Shut ( i’m sure we all know the ones.The masked ball. Its not so much the occult ritual part, its the eroticism, the sensuality of the whole scene. The music, the masked anonymity ( masquearade balls still remain one of my biggest fantasies). I could not find a version in english but the words don’t so much matter.Its the inhibition and exhibition.
If you were to write up a sex CV, what would your three most recent jobs be?
Burlesque dancer( i would loooove to do that)
Whipping Girl
Loaned out slave ( Loaned out by Mistress of course)
What would you love to do, sexually, that you never expect you will actually experience? Why? And why not?
*giggles* i think the whole masquearade ball fantasy of mine. Its not a very likely thing.
If you were entitled to someone’s service for one full week, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and all that person wanted to do was please you in any way you wished, what would you have them do, sexually or otherwise?
*blinks* I don’t think i actually could. I would want to be the one serving. I suppose i could order them to have me please them for the week as it would be the thing most likely to please me.
What kind of music do you find the most likely to get you in the mood?
Has to have a sensualness to it, in voice, in beat etc. For example Garbage- no. 1 crush
What do you want to learn, sexually, that you haven’t had the chance to learn yet?
How to please Mistress in person.
In a sexual situation, what act(s) would someone have to do in order to make you say “no” and immediately leave the room?
Anything involving scat, animals, children.
List three things that would feel nice on your feet.
shoes
stockings
a massage
What stereotypes, if any, are actually true about you?
I have NO idea. I think that would be a question to ask someone else about me.
Where do you go when you want to feel safe?
In my bed, under my duvet.
What five activities are reliable sources of pleasure for you, sexual or otherwise?
A large number of my blog list are about male submissives, either written by them or by their owners. In Mistress’s various searches for the right male slave i have seen and known many.
I am slowly coming to the conclusion that they are pretty much a completly seperate species than female submissives. They baffle me. Sex seems to be the key component in containing them, many of the blogs i read.. in fact all but one that involves a male submissive seem to show heavy use of chastity devices like this.. clicky the linky.
For males it seems to be the denial of orgasm or in fact any sexual activity that controls them. In fact i read in one blog and i can’t remember which one now about the male need to orgasm every now and then to prevent ” blue ball” and about letting the male slave in question sit in the corner and stroke one off every now and then to prevent physical problems. That kind of tone in saying that makes me think of male subs as no better than a primate in some extent.
Female submissives however… its an entirely different thing, working on emotional control, physical control, whipping, flogging, assplay and internal enslavement. The change in the female submissive which trains them to replace their own will of that of their owners. The wish to please and do as the owner wishes above her own desires. For a female it does not give any physical problems if orgasm is denied however never in any of my blogs does the owner of a female completly take control of the females sexuality to the point of using it to solely control the submission. Owners of female slaves seem to want to engage, humiliate and bring their good girl and turn her into a depraved harlot for their own use.It is emotional control that is used to control the female slave. The teasing and threat of physical discipline, teasing, dissapointment love and the need for the Owner.
Pictures in blogs by Female Dominants of male slaves that i have seen seem to be in the vain of belittling and turning to humour a males sexual desire and the action of wanking. Yet for those that control a female slave it seems to be pictures of the slave showing of their femininity, the beauty of slavery and pictures in physically pleasing poses often accompanied by marks on the slaves body.
Are male slaves really so led by their dick and sexual desire. Do they really get off on being complelty belittled? In all the blogs i have read of male submissives they are married and have Mistress wives. That prompts me to another point… Can men only really be truely submissive if married or having a life long commitment to a relationship with their Female. And honestly i can say this.. apart from those who partake in the club scene all the male slaves/subs i have known or read about do need that. They get jealous or possesive of other males. However those who deal with cuckolding…. maybe its just me, but they are all married to the Woman.
Those who share in a poly relationship however seem to be different.. Or at least capable of sharing in a relationship. Though most often with a secondary female. But then.. women aren’t posed as a threat. Why is that? does it really come down to the fact women traditionally cannot penetrate? Because quite frankly these days that is just *not* true. Women can penetrate just as much as a male.. Thanks to innovation in strap ons we can even ejaculate now. No longer are toys just consigned to being inflexible rubber beasts, you can now get ones that act and imitate the movements of a real male penis. I would think the threat from another female would be greater because of the wielding of all amazing, all visually pleasing, vibrating, thrusting, spurting toys and strap ons.
Do men need the reassurance of love and a kind of possesion over their Owner? Because i am coming to the conclusion that they are. I am also coming to the conclusion that love, and the desire for sex can affect complelty a males ability to be submissive. And is a males need for love and a named kind of possesion.. ie relationship, partner, husband.. on an equal level needed too?
You know what? Women masturbate.. we use porn, we sit and eye up males , and other women as the case may be ( at least with me), we are sexual creatures too and yet we don’t lower in mental capacity to that of a primate when we have been denied. We don’t *need* sex.. the denial of, the act of.. etc to be controlled. We don’t need to be so reassured in love that we are raised even just in name to the status of an equal. I don’t get why men do. It annoys me actually.. I hate the generalisation.. but even the smartest man is led by his dick. ( Or seems to be).
If i went around doing that ( or rather my sexual drive and my clit rather than dick) it would not impress or be seen as good behaviour. If i got frustrated because i could not stroke the sausage.. or touch and enjoy my owner physically i would be punished.. With men.. its expected. Seems unfair to me. Women have the same desires as men. I know i have the same desires to want to touch and please my Owner, i want to feel Her skin, i want to lick Her, i want Her to have Her way with me, i want to know i am loved and good enough for Her, i have the same desire to be inside Her that any man does.
It really bugs me when men get special treatment because of that primate dick led reaction.
I don’t mean to come of as pissed off lesbian or feminist. I realise i might. I love men ( well certain men), i love sex with men etc. but it kind of bugs me about male submissives.. especially the notion that men need breaking in and women just don’t. Women as a submissive group just seem more able to behave.
Last night Mistress and i were up very late last night. It was a very important night dealing with some household things and i was helping Mistress. Right at the end of the night my net was cut off because my flatmates hadn’t paid the bill and got very angry inwardly. I was tired too so it didn’t help at all. I snapped at Mistress maybe a little bit.. Instantly i was sorry for it. Mistress understood why i snapped and that it wasn’t actually at Her but i felt really guilty. I apoligised profusely. The one thing that really gets me angry or annoyed is not having access to the net especially because of negligence on the part of others. I have several important things i need to keep up to date with that i can’t do without the internet.
I was also angry because without it what help could i be to Mistress? The things She has me take care of i cannot do without internet access. I didn’t handle it in the right way i admit, and i certainly should not have let my anger affect my sleep or affect my calling Mistress in the morning. I was 10 minutes late on a morning Mistress has to be up on time for.I could have done better in my behaviour, should have done. I was tired and annoyed and i felt let down by my flatmates and in turn that i was letting Mistress down. And if i feel like i am letting Her down because of someone elses actions i get very angry. Mistress hates when i need to nap during the day. Its starting to bug Mistress that i am not there when She needs me, especially as She cannot access the internet at work now. I am needed for Her now for that. She gifted me a nap this morning despite my behviour and despite not deserving it and for that i a m very grateful.
I have 3 months to get to the point where Mistress can rely on me fully to get her up in the morning without fail. I am terrified i cannot do it. I love the time we have in the morning and i try so very very hard to be up to do it. I make mistakes from time to time. Its not good enough and when She told me i was terrified i would never be able to do it. I HAVE to be able to. If i had been there Mistress would have physically punished me. I do NOT want to lose that time so in three months i have to become perfect with this or lose it.
Wish me luck while i find all the ways i can to improve myself.
Mistress particularly likes hearing certain words from me. She loves the way i say them with my english accent. They really make Her laugh. I thought i’d share them with you.
perfect
dirty
perfectly dirty
cock
Mistress has on many occasions said that when i get their for my visit She’ll have me say perfectly dirty over and over again while She is fucking me. Which then has us both in fits of giggles.
This morning She had me say cock over and over again before She had the eeevil idea of having me wake Mr I by whispering it in his ear over and over again and i begged not to.
I told Mistress he would take the piss.. Which in england is a term for making fun of. Mistress said what??? having not heard the term before. Then said it might be fun to see what he would do to ” take the piss” , and of the things She thought of when i said that.
Then i joked about that not being the worst term we have. In england there is a certain colloquiasm for cigarette that Mistress has never heard and that i don’t say often.
Fag.
So in england the phrase going to have a fag is often heard. Mistress thought that hilarious and weird. And then She suggested i wake Mr I up by whispering cock,fag in his ear over and over again as a ” science experiment” to see if he would take the piss.
I begged and begged not to do that. Mistress finally relented only after i had said i’ll do anything but please don’t make me do that . So i have been told to tell my readers to watch this space for what Mistress has me do instead.
*blushes* Mistress has an evil mind. i’m sooooo nervous now.
In almost every submissive/slave’s blog i have seen a post about this very subject. I never thought i would write the same in my blog but its a very important part of submission… The reality as compared to the glamorised leather wearing whip toting anjelina jolie wannabie version of submission. ( Mistress loves that term sooo much lol).
Submission is about sacrifice, and surrender. Your life is no longer your own, you belong totally to someone else. There is not one part of you left that belongs to you. If you have tasks to perform, whatever they are you cannot just not do them because you are busy.. You have to find a way to get them done. You put someone else before yourself at all times. You live to make another happy.
I’ve seen so many wannabies who think they can do this cave under the reality of it. Its not some easy picnic. No relationship is. Even i find it hard at times. But i carry on because i get true fulfillment out of service, even the hard times.
No 24/7 slaves life is always entrenched in obvious submission. You don’t spend your life in a gilded cage wearing silks looking pretty waiting to be used, or whipped or flogged or ordered around. Even the most yielding slave needs her( or his) own mind too. Unfortunately mundanity gets in the way. Trust me i would love to live in a gilded cage like that. Even the reality of that would be some ugly square cage, the kind you put dogs into when they are being obediance trained, or when they are sick. See where reality kicks in there?
I think people forget the responsibility true submission has. You are entrusted with, essentially, your Dominants life. You become their confidant, their rock.. You become privy to the most sensitive information, you do their groceries, you care for them when they are sick, for some slaves, tend to budgets and bills and cleaning and relaxation. Of course to get to this point in a relationship takes time so it does not apply to those new to a relationship but for those that have been in it for a while.. Sure it counts.. On top of that you have to care for your own , not only because because you are owned and therefore need to take care of yourself and risk no harm to your owners property but because if you don’t you cannot have gained the maturity to look after your own life.
I think those wannabies i mentioned before can’t handle both. Maybe i’m so good at things like this because i have a daughter.. I know what it is like and readily have given that sacrifice before. In different ways yes but there are comparisons with some things that can be drawn. A mother sacrifices for their child, a mother cares for a child, a mother puts everything they are into their child much like a slave gives there all for a Dominant . ( For those that may be unclear i am not calling Dominants children… (gods, imagine how sore my poor ass would be if i was)
It gets even harder when there is more than one slave involved, and serving a Dominant. Because you work with each other.. yes in theory it should halve the load right? ( Not that it is perceived as a load, its perceived and is at least to me a joy to serve) But then everyone has some failing, some little thing that grates or annoys or just simply , they can’t fulfill in the Dominant. Slaves are humans, not automatons, they can’t be perfect. Then it leaves the other slave feeling like they have to pick up the slack so to speak. Its just the way a true slave thinks and works.
Sometimes, just sometimes, a slave can be aroused, or feeling upset or need something and the Dominant wants/needs something else. The slave has to respect and tend to their Dominants needs putting their own aside. That can be frustrating sometimes too.
A good slave knows this. The really good slaves, the perfect slaves, also know that Dominants feel like this too. A good slave knows that an Owner cannot 24/7 live life out in a play scene. They are always in control yes but sometimes they just need companionship, someone to chat too, or watch tv with or vent at or just *shock horror* have a nice , gentle mostly vanilla moment. Dominants get burned out sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to be in control all the time and a good slave can recognise this and back off. Dominants with burnout can find a slaves nature needy or clingy or sometimes just a little creepy. You have to find a balance.. And sometimes .. you know.. slaves can miss that. Dominants don’t always want to order their slaves into deviant and kinky ( i love the word deviant.. i don’t use it enough) sexual acts and tie them up in a series of intricate knotwork that takes about 2 hours to complete.. yay shibari. A good slave makes the Dominants life easier, and lessen the energy that is needed to do all of this. Because trust me, all i mentioned above.. can be turned around and applied to a Dominants life. Its really very easy if you are a dedicated loving slave to remember that. I don’t know why more slaves can’t do this. So many just don’t seem to get it.They are selfish and expect the Dominant to do all the work.
I get frustrated sometimes. I recognise burn out in Mistress sometimes.. I feel that responsibility and that sacrifice more deeply at times than others. I put Mistress first in all things and i tend to myself so that i am looking after Mistress’s property. I can let my slave needs overwhelm noticing burnout and i get clingy, i am like most women overemotional at times. But i LOVE serving Mistress, i am exactly where i want my life to be, apart from the 3000 something miles between Mistress and i. And yet despite that distance, i seem to be the only one capable of understanding Mistress completly..
Speaks volumes right.
I want Mistress, need Mistress with every fiber of my being. I miss Her and crave Her and want Her happiness all the time. It never stops. I dream about Her, i fantasise about Her. I love Her and though i sometimes get some of the frustrations mentioned in this blog.. She is like oxygen to me, She’s like chocolate and pretty underwear and my PC to me.. Essential.
chyldeofthenorns
Dominant Muse
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