With the actions of the last 3 months i am looking forward to this time of renewal. I am sad that things have ended like they have between myself and DM but perhaps it is for the best. If not for me then for her.

Things have not been as i have hoped. I had hoped we could at least keep our friendship after 2+ years of more but it became clear to me that there was too much anger for that to happen without causing both of us significant harm and so i pulled away.  I won’t chase. Not any more.I won’t allow further toxicity to chase either of us. I want , for both of us, the chance of renewal.. The chance to move on with our lives.

We were both fooling ourselves and we were both stuck in a hope that would never happen. We would never have gotten past immigration for either of our countries. We both failed to recognise the truth of the relationship and lived in denial for a long time.I think that is the worst kind of hope in the end. It certainly is the most crushing. Especially when the roots are there for something that could have worked in different circumstances.

I felt that for the time i was with her that DM was looking for more, by her own admittal. There was a string of ridiculous men. Men who were flakes and cheats and cowards and i stood by and watched this because it was her want, unable to do a thing about it. Every one of them put a splinter in my heart that was left to grow and fester and rot. I do not blame her though.. I think  she was looking for the very thing she actually needed. Because i would always be nothing more than a ghost of a person.I would always be the disjointed voice on a microphone far away in the end.

It was that distance, the red tape around the rules of immigration and the stagnant nature of our relationship that for me, forever put an end to it. I can not live my life online forever. I couldnt deny who i was and ignore that i wasnt happy in a relationship that had withered into nothing more than a friendship.

I don’t regret anything i did, though for DM i’m not sure she will ever see that i was trying to help us both. DM could never quite admit to what i was to her, even to herself and i could not live in a relationship built on waiting for that realisation any longer. We were destined to fail.

I miss her, and i miss our friendship, but i will not chase it.. The anger at the end was too much on both sides and though there are promises i will still fulfill, i walk my own path now, taking that breath and waiting for renewal.

I feel like we have come to a point where everything is going to change. Mistress and i have both grown and our relationship has changed dramatically. It is still a D/s relationship but there is more layered through it than just Mistress/slave. These things we still need to explore fully.

Since being home from my last trip i have felt a deep thoughtfulness and philosophical thoughts have been abound. There are so many questions and so many unknowns. There are a lot of things that we need to work through and a lot of things we need to overcome. I am scared that we won’t be able to last through all of them. That they will finally become insurmountable but still i fight.

I’ve changed, and in a lot of ways i do not know who i am. I need to rediscover that. There are things that i question daily. There are things that are different between Mistress and i purely because of culture and religious beliefand changes in me because of these differences.

I’ve often wondered if Mistress would fit in in england. I remember i had a dream about it once while still at Mistress’s. It was during the first month i was there and things were feeling off but i didn’t know what to express about it in case i made something worse or if it was just me, because i was so starved of contact. The dream was so intense that i woke up suddenly.

I don’t know what that means. I feel like there is deep deep  love, friendship, distance, denial, desire, fear, despair ( at times), hope and in a way a sense of deeprooted shame at what we are and who we are to each other ingrained from a society not even my own.All of that and  much much more. I have often thought of writing an angry lesbian blog ( even though i am not a lesbian.. at least i don’t think i am) despairing at the idiocy of discrimination and fear surrounding sexuality. I used to believe that if it feels good for you then it is right for you. I used to believe that it did not matter what the sex of the person was you fell in love with.. it was the person and that i would fight for that no matter what. I believed that so much i would be willing to stand against whole societies if i had to and now i feel a fear of that. Is that reality hitting a dream or is that something else.

There are things about me i don’t know if Mistress understands because of the cultural differences. I am sure that the same can be said about me for Mistress. There are things that Mistress does not even know about me nor has asked. We may have touched on or just done but they have never been asked. Things that though small make up a person. I am sure there are things like that for Mistress with me too. There are interests and ideas and thoughts and beliefs we just havn’t shared.. or in some cases cannot share because what we believe are so different.

**Watch me**

I don’t know where things are going right now.. But i am holding on for the ride and i am proud of us.

I haven’t blogged in a long time really. I think it has been a month now. This trip is slowly trickling away and i am sad for that. There seem like so many things i would still like to do and yet when i think of them i cannot. It has been a slow visit really. Slow but definitely fun. I am not looking forward to going home, i know not to obsess about it but still i don’t want to leave Mistress. I wish we could turn back the time to the beginning of my trip. Every time i have gone to write something for my blog i just can’t. My mind goes blank. I’ve thought about using Mistress’s new BDSM books to give me topics for my blog but i always come up short with that. I just don’t know what to write about. Its like i’ve lost focus on my thoughts and my blog and what i am doing.

After an hour or so Mistress allowed me to take a nap. Not ready to sleep Herself i was very grateful as i have been told many times in the past that i can only sleep when Mistress does while She is at home. I slept for maybe an hour when Mistress came into the bedroom and woke me up with a “boo”. At least i think it was boo i was too asleep to register the word just the noise.

Mistress told me to scoot over and sat on the bed next to me as i curled up beside her. She talked to me of some texts She had received and then pinned me down and tickled my feet to make sure i was awake. I don’t know how long She held me while She tickled my feet it felt like forever. It was so long felt like a million people were tickling my feet. She moved around on the bed tickling me in several spots while holding me down and then she started spanking me.

I cried out in pain as each spank hit my ass. Mistress has a mean mean backhand and my ass stung. She spanked and spanked and spanked. It must have been over 50 times by the end as She both held me down in various ways, spanked me, tickled my feet and legs, tickled my red ass cheeks, my body anywhere She could reach.

And then the biting. Mistress bit my arms, then my legs, to which i was very scared of because i get paranoid about my legs cramping.

Mistress spanked my ass again, and it was getting sorer and sorer and i was getting more and more blissed out and every time a spate of spankings had finished Mistress tickled me waking me up out of that bliss. It was all sheer torture.

There was an hour full of just this, i lost count of how much i was spanked and how much i was tickled or bitten.. And the raspberries, on my stomach which had us in fits of giggles.  Mistress pretending to fall off the bed so i would try and keep Her from falling, and then laughing as She stopped pretending..

So much torture. So so so much torture..

And then Mistress got up, leaving the room and calling back to me if i wanted a toy in my pussy i had 30 seconds to get up and do it. I got up so quickly i as unsure whether i should go to Mistress, put the toy in my pussy and then go to Mistress.. So i compromised and got up and took the toy to Mistress. At 6 seconds left She motioned to put the toy inside me. I whimpered , i was already so wet from all the spanking. As i pushed it into my wet pussy Mistress told me it would stay there for an hour.

She told me to get some panties on to help hold it in place and come join Her outside for a smoke.

As i sat down on the balcony whimpering and trying not to sit directly on the toy pushing it up to an uncomfortable position i whimpered and tried not to moan.

I now have the toy in my pussy and my pussy burns, its driping wet and the toy is constantly rubbing on me and i want to fuck myself with it sooo much..

~ Emilie Autumn, Shallott

I am so fed up of male subs that i cannot describe it. Self absorbed idiots are all they seem to be. This search for a male sub has taken so much out of Mistress i can not begin. All the disappointment, the hopes dashed, the pain, the upset, the wasted time and the anger.. to mention only the tip of everything. I support Mistress wholeheartedly with this search but when yet another idiot upsets Mistress, or is scared, or is to busy to be bothered, depressed  etc etc i get very frustrated.

I won’t pretend i have not had my own fears or apprehensions, because i have but i haven’t let them get to me so much that they have crippled me and stopped me experiencing what i want to be part of. I worry about Mistress when all our spare time is taken up by one of these males who inevitably get scared or whatever.. and the disappointment starts again. Its a vicious cycle and i am worried about how it affects Mistress.

All that rejection must start taking its toll. Especially because Mistress is scared too, nervous too. This is a new thing for Her and yet She is not supposed to show that. Of course not, She is the Dominant. Pfft i say to that. I can see its taking its toll, and Mistress has said it is. I want very much for Mistress to succeed and find the right person but i am worried, not in finding someone, but about the hunt for that someone.

http://chyldeofthenorns.wordpress.com/2009/11/19/men-are-from-venus-women-are-from-mars-erm-hang-on/

It surprises me just how right this post was when i wrote it. It was written when i was in a completely frustrated mood and had had enough and thus far has been completely correct with O/our dealing with men.

I’m not sure i could rewrite another one in its amazing accuracy but i can add some further thoughts on this. When it comes to men i have all but given up on any male submissive. I can almost understand many Dommes position of men being maggots. I can almost see it and think it is correct. That they are pathetic, whiny, eager little puppies that aren’t worth anything.

I’m going to start with something i am going to call eager puppy syndrome. Men seem to get excited about finding a Dominant female. When they get excited they seem to act like little puppies eager for attention. For some it starts off slow, for others its like wham bham thank you Ma’am. For example there has been more than one man , that in his infinite excitement at the first meeting, or maybe second meeting that has begged and begged and begged for physical inspection leading to begging to be touched, and onwards to be played with. The common reason for this is almost pathetic. They have been out of contact with a Dominant female for so long its like their brain shuts off and they are walking around with their dick hanging out like a dog with his tongue hanging out. They crave the Dominance of a female so much that they cannot contain themselves and push and push to be used, inspected, taken .. whatever. I understand eagerness and excitement over finding someone that meshes with you but if i did that with any of the Dominants ( male and female) that i have known i would have been put in my place and told that i would have to contain myself.

Men can almost always not communicate. Even if it starts off well. It always always fades away to almost nothing leaving Mistress to chase after them. That puts Mistress in the submissive position. The worst thing is, they get frustrated if there is no communication from U/us even though they do not contact themselves. Its there as long as eager puppy syndrome remains and then poof. Communication is gone. I’m not even sure male subs can even communicate on anything other than a superfluous level.

Which leads me to talk about passive aggression. Men have a natural propensity to it. It is a rare man that does not cave to anger. Its like crying for women. I’m not sure that they can even possibly change it. It seems like nature to me. Outside of submissives i know maybe a couple of men that do not have that propensity. One of them is a Dominant, one of them is not at all involved in the lifestyle. Submissive men all seem to have this wellspring of hidden frustration that grows and grows and it certainly makes me uncomfortable when it overflows.

All of these things, and the things talked about in my previous linked post lead me to wonder whether the Feminazi’s have it right. Are all men, stupid, dick controlled, pathetic, maggots who cannot control themselves or their emotions.

Last night was very playful and very relaxing, it only turned otherwise at bedtime. As is O/our usual routine i was giving Mistress her nightly rub and body scratch. We were having fun, playing around. Mistress has this habit of popping Her joints especially when She stretches which makes me completely squirm and cringe. Its like someone running nails down a chalkboard for me. Mistress was playful, and purring when i scratched which i love.

Mistress had granted me permission that day to play while She was at work because i had been so good for the last couple of days *knock on wood that that continues*. I hadn’t because i felt that there were some things that i am doing for Mistress which were more important to be done. Mistress got a glint in Her eye when i answered her question of whether i had done it with a shake of my head and an explanation as to why.

Mistress won’t let me play while She is at home. With the only exception of when She wishes to watch. So knowing that i hadn’t played and knowing it would be days until She was back at work…. the torture commenced.

It started with the belt. I hate that belt and i love that belt and i dread the day when it used on me purely for punishment. Mistress spanked my ass with it, bending me over the bed and holding me down. I squirm under that belt, truly squirm and i do need restraining when Mistress uses it on me. I was whimpering as the pain showered over me. Mistress was enjoying it. I was too as much as i was squirming. I pretend i hate the belt but really i don’t. It hurts and i like that. It sends this bliss over me, i don’t know how to describe it. Imagine how you feel after an hour of massage. It might equal that.

Mistress had me get a dildo and push it inside of me as She watched, then She bent me over and spanked me some more with the belt. My head was spinning, all i wanted was Her.. I wanted the belt more.. i wanted .. I’m not sure at that point i knew what i wanted. All of this was designed to torture me and torture it was as my pussy started to ache and burn and i had to keep the toy inside me or the whole thing would stop.

We went outside so that Mistress could smoke and She had me go out with the toy in my pussy. I whimpered and as i sat down i bucked against that toy so deep inside me it was rubbing the top of my pussy and my stomach ached, my body ached.. All i wanted was to please Mistress. She had me fuck it while we were out on the balcony and i didn’t care who saw . I tried and tried to keep myself quiet as Mistress strictly forbade me from coming and had me stop as i got close and had me go inside.

Mistress then had me pleasure Her knowing how desperate for Her it makes me. As i licked at Her clit and fingered her pussy i whimpered and bucked against the toy inside me. I was so desperate for Mistress. All i could feel, sense , think about was Her as the wetness between my legs grew and grew. As Mistress came , with my fingers inside Her i felt Her, felt Her squeeze around me as She bucked into my face fucking it. Mistress was soooo wet and it was covering my face. She pulled away and all i wanted was Her i couldn’t think anymore. It was torture.

Mistress pulled me up onto the bed and pushed my head to Her nipple. As i suckled and teased Mistress had me use the vibrator on Her clit. As She writhed on it and held my head to Her breast, smothering my breathing and making me whimper in desperation i was bucking more and more against the toy inside me. I was so wet i could feel it as i felt the cock inside me rub against my g spot. As Mistress shuddered to orgasm i moaned in desperation not believing i would be allowed to come tonight and burning inside, aching with desire for Mistress and for a want to come.

Mistress pulled me to Her and kissed me, telling me to use the vibrator on my clit as i fucked against the toy and i came hard, shuddering against Mistress kissing Her, burying my head in her shoulder barely able to breath.

I love torture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure how much Mistress spanked me. I couldn’t say how much it kissed  my pale cheeks but i still feel the fire, even diluted now when i sit. I was allowed to serve Mistress yesterday and again today, bringing Her to orgasm as She moaned and trembled. Mistress sounds absolutely gorgeous when She comes. So so achingly sexy. I have missed serving Her and it feels good to me. Even when it is an almost unbearable torment because at that moment as She is writhing in pleasure  She is everything i desire. I may be able to control myself fine but i am not desire-less. She makes me ache and yearn for Her. And She knows it, and torments me with glee. I love when She torments me. I love the laughter and the playful menace in Her eyes. I love being made to squirm and wait and hope for release at Her wish.

Mistress used the belt on me again today. She pushed me onto the bed on my tiptoes as i bent, the muscles in my ass taught. She flogged and flogged and it felt like white hot pain , it made me squirm and it was pushing me. Mistress has never used anything so hard on me and i like it. I like the marks it makes. I like the stinging and the constant reminder. It scares me too, because i know that in punishment Mistress will not stop and give me room to breath and wriggle. I know just how much it hurts when Mistress uses it full force. It is going to work as a good deterrent.

I like being pushed. Mistress and i were goofing around afterward, Mistress playfully spanking me, tickling me, poking me and the reason i love it so much is because it is a special kind of affection that only She and i share. Like being in on some secret or in joke. I remember Mistress grabbed my throat on the balcony just before we went in and i remember thinking how i wished she’d squeeze it, restrict my breathing. Use it to pull me, control my movement. Hold me against the balcony door with it and …. i don’t know but it is one of the things that sparks off fantasies for me.

I am not allowed to release today and i will follow Mistress’s wishes as i always will. I will sit on my sore ass and remember my place, and serve.

I have been saying no to Mistress. Not over big things but smaller things when we are being more informal. It doesn’t make it any more right. Its not at all. In fact its rude. Its not my place.  It displeases and angers Mistress. She has tried the threat of a punishment to correct it. So far my time is 20 minutes in the closet .. Something which strikes terror in me.Mistress has said it will happen today.  I am not looking forward to it. What makes me so terrorized by it is being shut off from everything, left alone. I spent years of my childhood left alone because i was a ‘bad’ child. I was excluded and left alone, no affection, no love, just guilt and confusion and the belief that i was a horrible child .

When did it become OK for me to say no to Mistress? It didn’t. It never has been and never will be ok. So why am i doing it? i couldn’t give a direct answer to that. Its like it just slips out. I haven’t been able to catch it until after i have said it. Mistress has asked if She has been lax. I don’t believe She has. No She hasn’t beaten me into my submission but i haven’t needed that before. I don’t know why that would start now. I seem to have lost the art of the line between informal and correct behavior with Mistress. I need to relearn that.

I know when i was at home it was starting to be hard to feel that exact connection with my submission. It was still there but something had dulled. It was a very busy month with a lot of changes. Its no excuse for that loss of connection to it but it was happening. Do i think that has a connection. Maybe.. I don’t know. I feel my submission again. Just like i always used to do. I don’t know why it would affect me now. Maybe i am so used to being informal that its become OK somewhere in my head to do that. I say subconsciously because i don’t intentionally mean to defy Mistress. Even when we are being more informal. Its not usually in my nature.

What can i do to rectify it? I need to catch it before i do it and examine everything i say until i break this horrible habit. And it has happened enough that it has become habit. I intend to work on it because i do not like displeasing Mistress or being out of favor and i don’t want any more closet time than i already have because it absolutely scares me.