Autumn is upon us.
08 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in submission
Autumn. A time of ending leading to regrowth. When leaves fall from trees, a time for conkers and hot chocolate and renewal. Renewal is what i like most about autumn. The time of year when all things take a breath and rest for the upcoming winter so that in spring they can again spring to live in an array of colours and activity.
With the actions of the last 3 months i am looking forward to this time of renewal. I am sad that things have ended like they have between myself and DM but perhaps it is for the best. If not for me then for her.
Things have not been as i have hoped. I had hoped we could at least keep our friendship after 2+ years of more but it became clear to me that there was too much anger for that to happen without causing both of us significant harm and so i pulled away. I won’t chase. Not any more.I won’t allow further toxicity to chase either of us. I want , for both of us, the chance of renewal.. The chance to move on with our lives.
We were both fooling ourselves and we were both stuck in a hope that would never happen. We would never have gotten past immigration for either of our countries. We both failed to recognise the truth of the relationship and lived in denial for a long time.I think that is the worst kind of hope in the end. It certainly is the most crushing. Especially when the roots are there for something that could have worked in different circumstances.
I felt that for the time i was with her that DM was looking for more, by her own admittal. There was a string of ridiculous men. Men who were flakes and cheats and cowards and i stood by and watched this because it was her want, unable to do a thing about it. Every one of them put a splinter in my heart that was left to grow and fester and rot. I do not blame her though.. I think she was looking for the very thing she actually needed. Because i would always be nothing more than a ghost of a person.I would always be the disjointed voice on a microphone far away in the end.
It was that distance, the red tape around the rules of immigration and the stagnant nature of our relationship that for me, forever put an end to it. I can not live my life online forever. I couldnt deny who i was and ignore that i wasnt happy in a relationship that had withered into nothing more than a friendship.
I don’t regret anything i did, though for DM i’m not sure she will ever see that i was trying to help us both. DM could never quite admit to what i was to her, even to herself and i could not live in a relationship built on waiting for that realisation any longer. We were destined to fail.
I miss her, and i miss our friendship, but i will not chase it.. The anger at the end was too much on both sides and though there are promises i will still fulfill, i walk my own path now, taking that breath and waiting for renewal.
