A New Road
22 Jul 2010 1 Comment
I’m not sure how much life this blog has left and i will not be posting much longer i do not think. Unlike Mistress’s blog i don’t feel the interest in my readers anymore nor do i feel that i can post a lot of my thoughts. For a long time now this blog has not been the place i can freely express my thoughts because a lot of the things that have been happening i have felt uncomfortable to post because they are too personal to me, even though my blog is anonymous.
I feel like we have come to a point where everything is going to change. Mistress and i have both grown and our relationship has changed dramatically. It is still a D/s relationship but there is more layered through it than just Mistress/slave. These things we still need to explore fully.
Since being home from my last trip i have felt a deep thoughtfulness and philosophical thoughts have been abound. There are so many questions and so many unknowns. There are a lot of things that we need to work through and a lot of things we need to overcome. I am scared that we won’t be able to last through all of them. That they will finally become insurmountable but still i fight.
I’ve changed, and in a lot of ways i do not know who i am. I need to rediscover that. There are things that i question daily. There are things that are different between Mistress and i purely because of culture and religious beliefand changes in me because of these differences.
I’ve often wondered if Mistress would fit in in england. I remember i had a dream about it once while still at Mistress’s. It was during the first month i was there and things were feeling off but i didn’t know what to express about it in case i made something worse or if it was just me, because i was so starved of contact. The dream was so intense that i woke up suddenly.
I don’t know what that means. I feel like there is deep deep love, friendship, distance, denial, desire, fear, despair ( at times), hope and in a way a sense of deeprooted shame at what we are and who we are to each other ingrained from a society not even my own.All of that and much much more. I have often thought of writing an angry lesbian blog ( even though i am not a lesbian.. at least i don’t think i am) despairing at the idiocy of discrimination and fear surrounding sexuality. I used to believe that if it feels good for you then it is right for you. I used to believe that it did not matter what the sex of the person was you fell in love with.. it was the person and that i would fight for that no matter what. I believed that so much i would be willing to stand against whole societies if i had to and now i feel a fear of that. Is that reality hitting a dream or is that something else.
There are things about me i don’t know if Mistress understands because of the cultural differences. I am sure that the same can be said about me for Mistress. There are things that Mistress does not even know about me nor has asked. We may have touched on or just done but they have never been asked. Things that though small make up a person. I am sure there are things like that for Mistress with me too. There are interests and ideas and thoughts and beliefs we just havn’t shared.. or in some cases cannot share because what we believe are so different.
**Watch me**
I don’t know where things are going right now.. But i am holding on for the ride and i am proud of us.
