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16 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment

by chyldeofthenorns in submission

Approved by Mistress

I haven’t blogged in a long time really. I think it has been a month now. This trip is slowly trickling away and i am sad for that. There seem like so many things i would still like to do and yet when i think of them i cannot. It has been a slow visit really. Slow but definitely fun. I am not looking forward to going home, i know not to obsess about it but still i don’t want to leave Mistress. I wish we could turn back the time to the beginning of my trip. Every time i have gone to write something for my blog i just can’t. My mind goes blank. I’ve thought about using Mistress’s new BDSM books to give me topics for my blog but i always come up short with that. I just don’t know what to write about. Its like i’ve lost focus on my thoughts and my blog and what i am doing.

I’ve put on weight and its bummed me out. I don’t feel at all sexy or pretty. I don’t feel very girly at all i feel like a blimp. I feel like i’m not doing enough for Mistress, despite the fact that we have talked about it several times and She has assured me i am. Its how i feel though. I wish i had the money for new clothes, or some makeup that wasn’t 5 or more years old. I wish i was prettier.

In ways i feel like i’m waking up from some hazy fog that was covering my life. I look at myself and wonder what happened to the girl i was. I have nothing that ties me to my past. I look at the things Mistress has, and i look at all my friends and so many TV shows with happy little families or people with lifelong journals or whatever and it saddens me. I can’t look at myself and see where i came from.

Maybe i’m just in a melancholy mood.