Forever yours

Its strange how life brings things to you. There are so many things i want to say i don’t know how to start. When i began this relationship i was looking for an owner, for control, for surrendering myself too, for friendship , for love and for companionship. And i found it. Just not in the way i would have imagined. I never thought that i would find myself in a long distance relationship and yet, it may have been exactly what i needed.

Things grow, i never expected to find someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with but i have. I never expected that when i started this. I didn’t expect that i would find that polyamory would be the thing that i would want.

I believe in soulmates. I don’t believe in one soulmate for one person, i believe in multiple soulmates. I believe that there are people who will be bound in some way to your life, just as you are bound to others lives. These soulmates might have different roles. Mentor, parent, lover, friend.. That these soulmates follow you through life after life in different roles.  That is what i believe.

I think Mistress is my soulmate. One of those people bound to my life as i am Hers. Mistress said how i feel best this morning, “I feel like our souls are kind of … melded”. I feel that way too. Like our souls are .. in some way intertwined. Merged together, wrapped into the other. I feel like Mistress is part of me, of who i am. I cannot imagine life without Her, nor would i want it without Her.

There were so many things that at the beginning of our relationship i wasn’t ready for. Now i am commited to Mistress. I love Her deeply. I am commited to the vision of life that She wishes. I hope that in time i can find a kind of love with the potential and share in what Mistress feels for him.

As time moves on, and deeper and deeper i feel connected to Mistress the distance grows harder. Potential said once that he could not do it as i have, that he would feel lost and unfulfilled without touch. I do not feel lost, or unfulfilled but i do ache. Its like a burning in my stomach filled with yearning for Mistress. I want nothing more than to reach out and touch Her, share Her space, smell Her scent and feel Her aura, there, close to Her but i can’t.  Its like something/someone somewhere is conspiring against us.

I yearn for the things i cannot yet have. I yearn for her companionship, to lay in Her arms, or Her in mine as we talk, i yearn to feel Her breath on my skin, i yearn to kneel to Her and serve Her, i yearn to touch Her, i yearn to explore and worship Her body, i yearn to bring Her coffee in the morning, or share in feeling the morning air around me as i sit with Her in sleepy silence. I yearn to dance with Her, i yearn to be girly with Her,   I yearn for so many things.

Patience is instead what i have, and at times frustration, and sometimes loneliness. Not because i am alone because i am not and i never will be again. But the loneliness that comes from distance. The loneliness that comes from longing. I wrote yesterday a list of dedications, that i had wanted to put in this post but i couldn’t write this post without the picture and song i wanted ( i’m a perfectionist). I have never been more devoted to anyone in my life, bar my daughter. I feel like my heart and soul have been captured.. Like they belong to Her. Every thought and action is laced with what i know of how She would want me to think, say or behave. I look up to Her, i am in awe of Her in a lot of ways. I am in a way envious of potential. I read recently while reading about polyamory, that envy is a bit like jealousy, but unlike jealousy is not something that burns so much you have to act on it, and that in time fades. He has the chance to experience the things that i yearn for. And to potential i owe so much to already for the chance of experiencing it for myself.

I want very much to be there, living my life with them. With Mistress. One day it will happen. But it could be a very long time, years will pass before it is possible and that makes me sad. It also gives me anticipation yes, but frustration at wishing things were easier, when others can have what i yeard for with barely no work. So many of my insecurities stem from the distance and they will all fade in time, and until then i will learn to deal with them.

The relationship with Mistress, i and potential will grow and strengthen as all relationships do. A third might even be thought of, a play partner , or domestic slave. Noone knows how this will go right now. We are still at the beginning of a very long journey.

I have thought to, what of me? If it takes a long time to be where i want to be. Would a play partner be something that would fill a need that distance cannot alone. Mistress and i talked this morning on the future. For the first time ever i broached the subject .. carefully.. with Mistress. I feel kind of guilty within myself for even thinking of it but it doesnt mean i love Mistress any less. And it doesn’t mean i am less loyal, if anything perhaps more so for identifying what might be a need in the future.. Note i say might there. Though in thinking it i wonder if i am being less loyal. With an open discussion about it with Mistress, i was surprised to find out that She had considered it as a possibility for me.With it not being instantly dismissed, i thought about it for a little while today.

After our discussion i thought about it this morning. I could not have a vanilla play partner or possible second partner.. It just wouldn’t work.. And would i want a male or female.. It made my head boggle a bit because to me it feels .. disloyal to think about it in a way. But if time grew on into long term, as a human i might find needs that aren’t being fully fulfilled. I’m not sure even how to describe it. I did consider it a while and thought maybe being a play partner to an already existing couple would work if there was to be that kind of need in my life. They would have each other and i would not feel like anyone was stepping into Mistress’s place.. Mistress to me is very much my primary relationsip ( using poly terms). I would be .. an enhancement to their life and them to mine.

I am completly devoted to Mistress, my life, heart, soul is Hers. I wll be Hers as fully as i can be one day. Until then i will continue this journey forward , at Hers.. and potentials side.

Sarah Mclachlan Possesion

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I’ve stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word to find
The truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
It’s morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won’t be denied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

I’ll hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes

~ by chyldeofthenorns on October 19, 2009.