The violation of it

*edited prepost.. Mistress told me not to write an essay on this but it is starting to get very long, but Mistress also said She wanted to know where my mind is at after this punishment, and to do so i need to write more.. i am sorry. I’m not sure what i should about the length*

I suppose i should start on why i was punished yesterday. I had really wanted a mount in wow, a fast horse. Mistress had helped me with my first one, a saber tooth cat. I love having one like Mistress and ws soo happy when She helped me get it . But i wanted a horse too, i thought they looked really good. I had thought i could use the one i wanted to at any point then, go between the 2 mounts. It gave me a bit of choice depending on my mood.  So i had spent time, on my own getting the rep needed to buy it. When i had discussed it with Mistress in the past I had mentioned wanting it. Mistress and i had talked about how much it would cost and about waiting for my flying mount. I suggested getting the money on my secondary character to pay it so nothing came out of my main characters account. Mistress had said She would think about it. I made that money on my secondary yesterday so i broached the subject again. Mistress wasn’t happy. Mistress doesn’t like the way my characters race looks on the horse. She said She would think about it. I should have let it go there i really really should have done. As a slave i should have said yes Mistress and left it there. But instead i said that one of her characters has a different mount, similar to the horse. I was just meaning to state it as a fact. But Mistress thought it was spiteful and that i was reffering back to a conversation we had had previously and that i was bringing it back up. I really wasn’t doing that. I hadn’t even thought about that discussion. The horse was important to me because i had worked for it, and i really had tried hard to get what was required for it. I wish i had shut up i really really do. I should have done , as slave i should have done. I only get what Mistress gives me.  And maybe if i had been in the proper place in my submission i would have done but something had been off for a few days. There was no reason for it to be off either. Things have been really good, peaceful, and Mistress has been happy. I knew my place, though there was no reminders i knew it but i guess that slipped. For that i am very sorry for. I was trying so hard to be a good slave. I have been for a long time. I’ve felt increasingly bad  however with all the mistakes i’ve been making in wow. I don’t mean to make them but when you try too hard you get flustered and make mistakes when your trying to be perfect. Sometimes i feel very stupid for the mistakes i make. Mistakes i shouldn’t be making. I know it gets infuriating. Its hard staying good all the time. And i am usually so good at keeping myself in check. I feel ashamed of my behaviour yesterday and that i made Mistress angry. I have the horse now, Mistress said i could get it before She logged out of wow and from cam. I don’t even want to look at it because its going to remind me of my misdemeanor and of Mistress’s reaction. And it will remind me of Gimp. *shudders*. Mistress took me into imvu and She punished me. A punishment i needed and am thankful for. I guess there is only so far i can keep myself being good. Perhaps thats bad in itself. That no matter how good things are there is only so long i can keep that steady grasp on my submission. I shouldn’t have spoke out of turn yesterday. It was entirely unsubmissive and completly out of place of my usual behaviour. I am so ashamed of it.I’m not even sure i’m meant to mention the horse here. I hope that this doesn’t upset Mistress. I don’t want to be punished again.

Mistress has made a new friend on imvu, and rekindled friendship with another. One She is tender too. The other, a fucktoy She enjoys using and seems to be growing a fondness for. The fucktoy, wears gimp suits of various styles, and has huuuuge horns, and yesterday was wearing boots designed to look like hooves much like a ponygirl/boy might. I have no problem with that. I am very open minded about what people wish to do, but he looked so inhuman.. his appearace revulsed me.

The first thing i saw when i came into imvu was Mistress replyingto the one She is tender towards that Her day had been good until i had pissed her off. I started crying. I hadn’t meant too. I really truely hadn’t. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to run away and hide. I think yesterdays behaviour may well have been the worst i have ever done.

As i sat at Her wish at Her throne She ripped off my collar and my clothing and told me to wear the cattle collar. There were a few technical difficulties because i don’t have it in my inventory anymore, its been taken or, which i more suspect, changed as there is a collar i have no recollection of owning that is black with the word slave on it in gold lettering. Mistress told me to wear the collar if i found it or none at all. It added to my feeling of uselessness. I couldn’t do as She had wised even though i genuinly couldnt find the thing i was supposed to.

I had lost the fear i had in Mistress Sakhmett, Mistress’s.. more extreme Domme side. Stupid girl. I had almost grown comfortable with Her. She pushed yes, She was what some would call extreme, but i enjoyed the way She treated me and the things She did to me. She pushed and pushed hard but had never ever pushed at any hard limit. yesterday i was left wishing for past times, and thinking how much things had changed. Not because there wasn’t part of me that didn’t like that treatment behaviour, but because i wouldn’t have to be pushed so far. But that was replaced by fear when i listened to Mistress and what She was planning.  I would have done anything to please Mistress nad get back into her good books, not to be worthless anymore. It cut to the quick yesterday. I cried so hard. Mistress didn’t even want to touch me. Mistress had the fucktoy hanging in chains in front of the throne and was teasing him with Her crop and She made me look up at his cock, the same inhuman look to it that the rest of his body had and i inwardly got very scared. I had no idea what Mistress was going to do but i knew i wanted to please Her and i would do whatever it was She wanted. I didn’t want to be worthless anymore. Mistress once told me, after one encounter online that pushed at a hard limit by someone She had given me to to use that I shouldn’t hesitate to do it and if I do again She wouldn’t be happy so i knew that even if i was pushed that far i shouldn’t hesitate. Because it is online there is still a distance between the act is i think her reason for that and i agree.

When Mistress told me that the fucktoy was going to remind me of my place and i would not scream i felt complete revulsion and fear but also knew that i would do it because She wished it. And because of that knowledge there was part of me that found it very arousing. Even through my upset and fear i was getting turned on. Its very hard to know how to deal with that conflict of feelings. And i was slipping back into the right mindset too, so i was starting to feel grounded. Something i had needed.

Mistress hadme tell the 2 men of my misdemeanor, i didn’t want to, i hate being anything but the perfect slave. I try so hard, so so hard and i was so ashamed. But i did, as She had wished it and when She told the fucktoy to remind me of my place i was afraid, there was fear, true fear. I want to note that through all the fear i felt , that it was being done out of love and need and that i welcomed and wanted it. For those outside the lifestyle that might be hard to understand. What happened yesterday was entirely consensual. It was done to ground me back into my submission and it did, it pushed me back very very roughly into it.

I didn’t want him anywhere near me, and yet i did at the same time because Mistress did and if i am not pleasing to Her i am not worthy of Her. I wanted to run away and didn’t, i wanted to scream and push at this and knew that i couldn’t, and i didnt want to, it was very confusing to me. he revulsed me, he scared me and yet i knew too that i was happy for this because it would please Mistress and that made it pleasing to me. The reason for my revulsion was  the inhumanity of his appearence. Anyone who has seen a gimp suit knows that they take away the humanity of a person and makes them, anonymous, truely just a thing and his appearence to me was revulsive because there was nothing human about it. To me he felt and looked not much more like an animal. And that is where it pushed at a hard limit for me. Pushed so much i had to battle not to give my safe word, something Mistress had put back into place while we have been exploring the more extreme desires we have.

I looked at Him and listened to Mistress, and i felt degraded and small and worthless and inside there is part of me that relishes that.Mistress wasn’t going to touch me while this happened, and thathurt. That i had been so bad not to deserve her touch, and i was revulshed by the fucktoy and yet something inside me enjoyed that fear and revulsion.

The fucktoy had to afk for a phonecall and informed Mistress that it may not be able to give full attention to what was required of him and Mistress said that if He couldn’t The one She is tender too could have me and i hoped hoped hoped that would happen. I knelt there , ashamed and degraded hoping. I am sure Mistress knew that too. And it turned out that way, He pulled me to my feet and inspected me at arms length. He tested my wetness as i bucked into it, wanting him, and knowing that this was punishment and feeling so ashamed to have to be introduced in a bad light. There was no enjoyment had yesterday that wasn’t tinged with pain, physical and mentally. And i enjoyed that too. It taught me a lesson i seemed to desperatly need. I was not allowed to cum yesterday, i was nothing but a piece of meat to be used. He picked me up and put me on the display bed and restrained me. He tested my pain limits and he didn’t get to the edge of them. He pushed at them and i responded in pleasure as i was growing more and more aroused by them. Focussing my mind on being pleasing for Mistress.He surprisingly to me, managed to make me feel even more degraded with his words. I hadn’t expected them . I had remembered him seeming so gentle.

He called the fucktoy over, and i reeled in fear and gave all the attention i could to him and not to think about the fucktoy and how revulsed iwas by him and yet when He started to violate me , i enjoyed it too because Mistress was enjoying the show so much. He took me hard, and spanked me harder with his rubbery inhuman hands and i whimpered while at home doing the same thing to my ass as Mistress ordered. I felt violated, and full, and i did feel owned. And i felt fear, and i felt love. I felt my submission, i felt my place, deep inside.I focussed on the tender ones cock as he force fucked it, holding me onto it. when the fucktoy finished out of need and knelt by the bed Mistress took over, she roughly took my ass as i was at home, and the tenderness between Her and the one i have been calling tender one was like a nail, it was hard because i wanted to be pleasing enough to have that tenderness. But i was beyond grateful the fucktoy was no longer using me. I was happy in my place. And happy as Mistess was enjoying things.

It made the punishment even more grounding that i was between the tender one, and then the fucktoy, who revulsed and scared me. Caught between wanting and fear so obviously to me. Mistress has said She will have the fucktoy punish me if i need it again and that terrifies me i don’t want to be punished again. And yet today i feel grounded in my place. I needed it yesterday, i needed to be reminded. I enjoyed and loathed that punishment but did it to please Mistress, like i do and should do with everything.

I am sorry Mistress for my bad behaviour, and i am grateful for that lesson.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on July 4, 2009.