changes

Life is full of changes. We all know this. I find myself in the postion where i am going to have to move at a point when i wasn’t prepared for it where i have been left with very few options. So within the next month, maybe 2 i will be moving in with Mr I and Lady S, the friends i went to see when i went away earlier this year. They are both Dominants, married to each other in an open relationship and in the lifestyle so I am not worried that i will have to hide my submission. In fact Mr I, purely platonically, seems to be very protective of me. In fact he quite likes pointing out to people that i am one of those rare natural submissives.  Lady S is looking forward to having a girl around the house. She used to be a make up and effects technicians in the television industry and likes having someone around She can make up and someone to be girly with. Lady S is .. *thinks* She has a high appetite and is very flirtatious and loud. I think theres is the only open relationship i have seen working without any hiccups. Its very harmonious really. Lady S is a pro Domme and will occasionally have clients, though it is purely for Domination and never sex. Once, a couple of years ago now She had a client who had a fantasy of dressing up in womens clothing, make up nail polish etc, and being discovered by Lady S, and dragged and humiliated in front of Her friends because of it so She enlisted the help of me and another friend to literally sit in Her front room and laugh at him when She dragged him in. It was quite funny actually, in a cruel kind of way. Life is never quiet there. They have a lot of friends and they have a lot of visitors.

Thats going to be a big change in itself and not an entirely bad thing. I have been quite solitary my entire life and especially in the last year. I don’t have many visitors and i live in an area where i don’t have many friends. When i go stay with Lady S and Mr I i come back and have more confidence and just seem brighter. I do like to socialise and not only that but their friends have not only readily accepted me but like me. Many of them having found out my situation are bending over themselves to help. Its not something i’ve known before and i think its going to be a good thing for me. The thing that i don’t like about socialising is the nerves involved in whether people will like me. i am the kind of person who needs acceptance and *thinks* its almost like, permission to do the things i’m doing. I look at the people i know, Mistress included and maybe this is going to sound stupid, but they seem much more grown up than me. More confident. I still feel, at 25 like a stumbling teenager who doesn’t know things, or have something in my life that makes me interesting. I don’t have things i can readily talk about when the question “whats up” or “whats going on with you” comes up. All i feel i have is one issue after another. It doesn’t feel very stable and definetly not very grown up.

I’d like to be able to not feel that.. inferiority anymore. And its not like i havn’t tried to bring myself out of that. In fact i had made plans to go back to school, and to find things socially but after one thing then another and then the unexpected move because of my landlords mess it has messed that right up. This week has been uite an emotional one. Mistress was in hospital for pnuemonia, i was so worried about her and felt so far away from Her. Its time like that that the distance feels unbearable. I do love Her and the distance can seem overwhelming when something like that comes up. She’s working from home the rest of this week and She is leaving Her cam on while She works . I watch Her, and She seems so proffesional and confident and well.. happy doing it. Maybe not happy *thinks* its more like it seems to fit Her. I’d like something like that. People define you by what you do here in england. I grew up with it and its still prevelant today. I have nothing i can say when that is asked. My sister had a heart transplant 3 years ago and She can no longer work. Still when that question is asked She says She is doing graphic design. She used to be a graphic designer. She worked for places like sony and warner bro’s. Now She designs 3d outfits on imvu and sl. She really has turned it into a fair profit. But to me, it doesn’t seem like work and She can make it sound so.. important sounding and turned Her accounts into brands. I have not managed to do so well with it, i don’t make the money She does and i will never have her skill ( despite what She tells me) and it feels like such a cop out to say thats what i do. I tried very hard at it without the success She has had and i have all but given up on it after 3 years trying it. I still enjoy it but it seems almost worthless and definetly not something i could say this is what i do and be proud of it.

I feel like the only thing that really defines me is my submission. And that is not something that you can bring out in general conversation. In some circles yes but not for the majority. I couldn’t put it on a cv, i couldn’t say it at a social family like gathering. I was at my sisters anniversary party last weekend and i wa sactually stumped about what i could say. How do i answer the lovelife uestion. I am Mistress’s and owned.  but if i say yes actually i have someone that brings up questions of who , and where and what is your relationship like. How do i elaborate on what there actually is? I am not Mistress’s girlfriend even if their are elemants in the relationship that are like that and if you say you have someone, questions get bombarded at you.

Thats one i like about being at Mr I and Lady S’s.  It can be general conversation. Everyone in their circle of friends has some interest or involvement in it. Everyone openly knows Mr I and Lady S’s open relationship.  There friends range from lawyers, senior CPN’s, taxi drivers, government workers, students, unemployed and one of the leading criminal psychologists in the country. Not the kind of people you’d automatically think of as being open to that, or a mixture of people who would openly get along. I can be myself, and i can openly and enthusiastically talk about my interests and enjoyments and my relationship with Mistress and its understood.

I can roleplay again too. i did enjoy that. I used to do it with my ex fiance and i ran my own game too. Now i can go back to live action roleplay. Basically running around pretending to be a vampire, its all politics and acting. Think Anita Blake without all the sex, or maybe underworld ( which may happen as an in game downtime action but not in actuality). It gives me the chance to have an interestand hobby, and the chance to socialise with like minded people.

I openly admit i am a little geeky. I love pc’s and comic books and graphic novels and roleplay games like D &D and WoD. I like pc games and MMORPG’s. But that geekiness on top of that need of acceptance and fitting in can be a real pain in ” normal” people you’d meet, like for instance, at my sisters party. Its not something they can relate to or understand for the most part.

I’ve been thinking about that kind of stuff lately and wandered if i’m being in some way vain. Its bad to be vain. I don’t think i have ever been accused of being vain in my life. Could probably do with a little more vanity. But it is it vanity or something else. I don’t know, vanity seems the closest thing i can think of.

I worry that with being at Mr I and Lady S’s , and with all this new ability to socialise i’m going to have more pull on my time because of socialising and have less time with Mistress. Now it might be beneficial to me to have other things i can do, but i do really feel like my submision defines me the most. And i definetly feel with less available time ( or possible lesser time), how am i meant to serve as well as i can right now? And will it be detrimental on O/our relationship? I worry that it will bring a new type of distance to us. And i don’t want the closeness W/we have now to go.

My sister once told me i should stop being all inferior and think about the skills i have. Maybe its just because its sociably unacceptable to brag and boast about what you cna do that inever have done. I don’t want to be bigheaded. I think thats kind of arrogant. But i have wondered what my strengths are. My sister said definetly computers, hardware and software. And i suppose thats true. I can rival her husband in conversations and keep my own with people who work in IT. I suppose i am not bad at working in graphics. My sister thinks i could make a good graphic designer but i wonder just how much of that is just talk because She was the one who trained me to use the various programmes. I think i can write ok. I get compliments on my ability to express myself in this blog for instance. I can’t really think of any others though. Its not exactly a great big list.

And i’ve been kind of trying to figure out what kind of person i am. I mean my likes and dislikes. I’ve never really had a good look at what makes me me.

I like to read. I like to read historical fantasies, erotic fiction, lesbian victoriana fiction, i like sci fi and fantasy and i like books like wild swans, and the last empress as i have an interest in chinese history especially where it involves around the lives of women.

I like sitcoms, friends, will and grace, the it crowd, friends, frasier etc. I also like darker british sitcoms like black books and spaced.

I kind of like *writes in shame* i like Gok Wan’s shows, fashion makeover shows basically.

I like oriental style, and celtic.

I like all sorts of music.

I love online gaming.

I am starting to like the idea of bellydancing. I’ve always thought it looked kind of nice anyway but i got a few dvd’s on how to do… Beginners ones and one on yoga and tai chi. If nothing else its good for exercise and anything that can get me off my butt to exercise is good.

i’m not quite sure what the above says about me but its a start i guess. Of what i don’t know. I’m not sure this post has a point. Its more just rambling. I havn’t been blogging because i havn’t really felt like i had a point, but these are things that have played on my mind recently.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on June 25, 2009.