wildfire

I don’t actually know where to start this post. There is a lot of .. upheavel in my life right now. Emotions are rife at the minute and control of those is something i have to work on everyday. But the one constant as always is my service and devotion to Mistress, and Her power, concern and love over me. She is my constant. I had again been granted leave to play without needing to report it here as long as i let Mistress know as soon as i could. And i have been. I have not been as much a pleasure slave for Mistress of late, other than the time reported in my last post. My service has been more domestic. Keeping her schedule and acting as an almost secretary to her in places. Some might say the intimacy had gone from the relationship but there is something deeply intimate about the trust you need in someone for that to occur. Our relationship has been more intimate of late then ever. My play recently has been more about comfort. There is something in playing with myself that i can find comforting. No elaborate fantasies or orders, just.. the simple act itself. Its not sexual as such, though obviously the act is. Its the energy that comes from it.

Last night was the first time in a while i had played out of my own desires. Not for comfort but out of sexual wants. And the spark of that had come from Mistress. There was something in Her anger yesterday i responded to. Not anger towards me, and not white hot anger either, just a mild anger at something that had happened in Her day but it stirred something in me that went deep inside. That excitement fuled with the desires that came to me from  books i had been reading yesterday to and it fueled a fire that spread like a wildfire in me. That kind of spark in me has never been fueled by anger before, but i also equate controlled anger with power. Don’t ask me why but i do. So i can understand why i felt it. I had also been reading kushiels dart and one of the anita blake books yesterday ( i can read 2 books at the same time without getting mixed up) one while i was out for the day and reading while i commuted and the other at home as i relaxed. Both are series that i feel something from. One fuels my submissive side on an almost primal level, the other the power play in it calls to me. Part of why i enjoy the books. I can get very lost in books. Something i usually control but last night i didn’t. Not after the spark i had gotten from Mistress, its like it blew away my control. I havn’t felt that power from Mistress in a while, i did in the time described in my last post, but not overtly since. its always there but i hadn’t felt the push.

So i played and i admit my fantasy went from extremely submissive in my desires to more Dominant. Something rare for me, but yet i had.. Dominant desires too. Not in a way that negated Mistress’s power over me. That never leaves, even in more Dominant urges i am hers to control. And that fantasy while i played, the whole thing went a lot deeper than a lot of my fantasies do. It reached a place usually only Mistress does when She pushes at me. It felt very deep, very primal. Like i let myself go in abandon to it.I was a little nervous to tell Mistress that the whole thing had been sparked off by her anger. I know Mistress finds anger distateful, something normal yes, but something She does not relish. I think i was actually worried about Her reaction to it. We have talked about things, and expressed and started to explore things that are a lot more hardcore, and yet that still held the same anticipatory fear to tell Her about it as telling Her some of those darker desires.

I told Mistress about it last night, and She decided that She wished me to play last night after She had gone to bed but before my curfew. She told me that if i was there She would have grabbed me by my hair, threw me over the sofa and taken me, taken me in one hole then the next and She would whip me while She took me. She has started to read kushiels dart and She told me that She would take me like phedres first encounter. And to me i took it as Like a hunter with Her prey, a tinge of an anger not at me but one that fueled a fire anyway, one that was pure power… The things that stand out to me in that first encounter of phedres are the menace, the control, the way he holds her throat so tight She starts to see spots in front of Her face, the way She gives Herself, and something inside her yearns for it. All of it. The way he grabs her hair and its more than just the act. I played last night , taking myself one place then another as i knew Mistress would, and i wasn’t gentle on myself, even when it grew sore, when the movement and touch burned with a pain under the pleasure and i didnt think i could actually stand the touch i carried on. I scratched at my skin enough that i honestly drew blood  and i pulled at my own hair, until my head was pulled back unable to look up by the restraint i held over it. It was one of the largest orgasms i have had in a while. Whenever i thought it was over it came again and again.

Mistress’s one caveat was that i write about my experience here afterwards. And i do that gladly, and happily as the words i didn’t know how to say seem to have come here. Thank You Mistress for letting me have that last night.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on June 5, 2009.