Heroes and Goddesses

Something has been floating around my head a bit since yesterdays.. lesson. I don’t actually know why it sparked it off, but i have this burning need to write about it. Its about how i feel differently for men and women. Those i am attracted to/love more specifically. There is a huuuge difference in the way my feelings are.. wired for them. i guess.

I have been bisexual for as long as i can remember, and i have had about an equal amount of relationships with men and women, though the *really* serious ones have been with men until now. I do enjoy being with both, however, why i enjoy seems to stem from very different spaces inside me.

Men for me, are meant to be strong, almost like the mythical heroes of old type of strong, and noble, and gentle, and warm, and gentlemanly. These things are extremely important to me. And almost all the men i have ever been with have fit that some way.. Mostly with longer hair, manly , rugged looks, a bit of facial hair.. you know.. kind of wild.. yet completly in control. They’ll sweep you of your feet and make you feel like the only woman in the world. They’ll protect you, and let you lose yourselves in their arms, thy’d fight for you, be your guardian and deepest love, like a knight of old.. . I don’t know if what i am looking for in a man really exists anymore these days.

If i was to give an example of the perfect man, all of those things and then some it would be Aragorn from Lord of the rings, especially the film. The actor that plays aragorn, in that film embodies like the perfect physical and more example of the kind of man that would make me just stop.

I can’t put into words all that a man should be to me.. So much of it just can’t be put into words. I watched this video, and felt a lot of what i feel and cannot say. And the words.. as i put above echo what it is that a man should be to me. Maybe it will help you see what i mean.

Yet.. with all that above.. there is something that lies deep within me, that has other feelings too, that almost contradict what i have said above. And i think it is part of what draws me to Gor too. Deep deep inside me, i see men as superior. How i hear you ask, can i have a Mistress then?  Thats just it.. i can just about draw a line betweeen what i think and what is right. I don’t know..

I know , i know, that isnt true in our enlightened and equal times. Maybe i just have old fashioned thoughts deep inside me. I can only attribute that to my upbringing, with almost victorian values. Children seen and not heard, men work to bring home the bacon and women look after the house, and the children.. etc. I don’t know.. i don’t understand it either because i know it isnt right, and yet.. i think it too deep inside me.

But that thought of superiority is engrained in me. I have trouble opening up to men, seeing them as equal, and trusting them because of it. Deep inside.. what  see, what i expect, and what i think, are that men are superior, they are the ones in control. And just as above.. that part deep in me expects that control, expects to have to serve, and do things for a man because they are more.. powerful i suppose. Women are weak. women are lesser to a man. And again, opposite to above.. Men aren’t there to be protectors and , strong .. they are there to be  served, to help, to do whatever it is because that is what they want. In fact when that part of me that when thinks of a man, there is a kind of stern cruelty, and no compassion, and enjoyment that comes from having the “lesser” woman see to his whims.

Women i see very differently. Always have. To me.. what a woman should be is tender, devoted, gentle and kind, nurturing, gentle, in touch with emotions, their own and others, spiritual, soft,  understanding.  Someone who would stay by your side no matter what, sensual and tactile.. who knows the importance of touch and the feelings evoked from it,. Determined, and hard working, and soft, and feminine and loving. All of the women i have ever been with have had those qualities to some extent. If i had to try and give an example as i did above i think this video would help.. Not only do i think the relationship shown( whereas fictional yes) was portrayed so well that it really does show what i am saying, and the song inokes in me the same peaceful, warm, loving, thoughts.. that just make me feel at home somehow with a woman.

There is no darker feelings like there are when i think of men. But i do see a deeper sensuality that is not often mentioned about women.. It is said being with a woman is very different to being with a man. I would agree. For me it almost reaches another level. Like there is something with a man that can’t be reached. A deep connection, a deep tenderness and softness that there would be no way a man could emulate. And i am not just talking physically either. I know deep down that whatever happens with Mistress, or for the rest of my life.. There will be a woman in it somehow and she will be either the focal point, or the only point to the relationship. That i would surrender my all to that woman.. That i could give myself completely, and for both of us fulfill something in us that couldn’t be elsewhere. And yes i also know D/s will always be present somehow.. but like Mistress.. it would first and foremost.. be love. It would all run from that somehow.

I do find it hard, when i see a man submitting. It runs against those deep thoughts inside of me and i do have to shake them off, likewise i have to shake off that they are more important than me by fact of them being male. And for the most part i can. I also think it is why i can trust and open up to my brothers.. because i can see that they are not that thnig that deep down i expect to be there. That part deep inside me, that i try not to give free reign too, see’s a man submitting as almost against some natural order. The rest of me knows its just as normal as anything else. Its a hard balance to find.

In my “lesson” the other day… Mistress with what occured i think has stirred this up a bit inside me, and i am hoping that by writing this, and ultimately sharing that it brings calm to the lake that this is again.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on January 26, 2009.