My end of year review (comes early)

Reflections, Christina Aguilera( copyright Disney)

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day
It’s as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I have spent the last 2 days really reflecting on this year, and my life. I’ve never reflected on it so much, or written a post like this.Its hard to know where to start really. This time last year i felt very lost in my life. I hadn’t long left a bad relationship, i didnt know what i wanted, and i felt alone. I had no direction. All i had was wishes and i had no idea how to make them come true. I didn’t want to be alone anymore, I wanted something fulfilling in my life, and i wanted that happily ever after. I didnt know how to get it, or where to start and biggest of all, i had lost myself. It was around this time i met the Owner i had before Mistress. It was a chance meeting. I don’t usually except random chats with people but i was drawn to say yes. In a very short time i realised i wanted to come back to exploring my submission, and i thought she was the one to do it with. She did have something inside i thought. Or maybe it was really because i wanted to be part of something. Needed and adored. I became her girl and in time her girlfriend. She visited me after 2 months, and spent the week with me. It wasn’t really what i had wanted.. But i felt like i wasnt alone anymore.. After that visit things started splintering. It is around this time i met Mistress too. She was a friend of my then owner and girlfriend. Something never felt right with my old owner. Looking back, she used me to get her thrills, and was looking for her own happy ending and i wasnt it, i was a means to an end, a draw for others and if i got even slightly more attention to her *perceived or otherwise she as jealous*. Mistress saw me, felt me even then and i was drawn to her from the minute i met her. We talked on metaphysics, and i went to her lost and needing advice. It had been a long time then since i had been truely submissive. I could feel the relationship with my old Mistress crumbling away and i turned to my Muse, my now Mistress then for advice on what i should do when i felt more lost than ever, and something happened i wasnt expecting. She invited me to her sanctuary, and i felt the energy that had been skirting around her, that i had felt. She caught my heart then. I felt more and more drawn to her as the relationship with my old Mistress fell away. And not because i didnt try to fix it.. but things were not right there, and so for myself i left it, as gently and honestly as i could i left her. At that point she had been very distant as a Mistress for a while and i had been spending time with my now Mistress, filling that void a little by being around her and her subs. And she was there for me when i felt so bad over my old Mistress for the whole time it crumbld away. I decided to take a  chance, one that perhaps could have been seen as very wrong by others.. but i knew it was right.

“I wish to be collared to my Muse. I wish to be that which she desires of me and i wish it truely. I wish to show my devotion in the ways that she knows i can. I wish to wholly submit to her in knowing that it is no game for her. My current Mistress i unfortunately can say sees it more of a game i see that now and as much as it makes me sad i know that i am wanted and cared for by someone who does understand. I am not in it for a game and neither will i be someone who is whored out simply because it is a game and it makes it more fun. I am not a toy to be used for a game.” chyldeofthenorns on April 23, 2008

My first move truely on the strength of what *i* wanted. Not what i thought i wanted or what others thought. And i  havn’t made a better choice for the rest of this year and i have what i wanted then now*smiles. I am her slave, her slut, and so much more besides. I felt a draw to loni then too, i called him brother even back then and felt it,

i wonder what i shall see in Brother Loni. *blushes*. We talked tonight freely of some of our experiences and of the way we feel of things. He is a true brother in the sense we share the joy of knowing what it is to be sub in r/l and i long to see what it is that makes Brother Loni what he is.. so this girl can all the more serve her Mistress in all things.

At that point there was a second male submissive.. Eros. I cared for eros, i felt something in him, but i never really trusted him. He was .. sublime in appearance. There is no other way to word it. And he did have a sweet side to him.I spent a lot of time in this good period growing, accpepting and getting to know that little girl side of me. No longer hiding it away or suppressing it.

But he was vain, and grew jealous, and he took away the power i loved in Mistress. I was worried for her, and i was worried for loni then. He drew away, got distant, and left his collar. It was such a hard time for us, Mistress was under so much stress, and eros changed, he had this.. superiority complex that i hated, but i stood by Mistress and her desicions as much as i stood by brother loni and his. I started to get quite ill around this point , and things got harder for me too. It was a hard time for us all. I also got to know Mystress Swan around then too, which i am glad for as i respect her greatly and she was a great help when i needed to talk. I became torn around this point with my then chain sister leaving her collar. I felt torn because i had grown really close to her. She grew to a warped opinion of Mistress and i was torn with my friendship with her and between Mistress. I had grown very close to my sister, and though she had left Mistress’s collar i still counted her as sister. I ended up defending Mistress, even when she would not listen and it got to the point i was so torn i didnt know what to do. I was seriously ill at this point too and it impaired my judgement. I lost sight of what was the most important to me in wanting to keep everyone happy. I craved acceptance, i still do.. its my weakness. Acceptance. But now i know how to seperate what i truely want with what other people want. Eros left at around this point too after a relationship had formed between Mistress and him. It was strained from the start. This whole time is a mess of tangles in my head now.. Times are messed up and when i look back on how i feel on it that is all messed up too. Mistress wasn’t happy, brother wasnt happy, and i wasn’t happy. I nearly left Mistress’s collar… not because that is what i really wanted.. but because i was so torn. My heart was split in 2 and i had been shattered.

It was at this point i went into hospital. I was there for a month and then as an outpatient while i stayed at my sisters. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I trusted in what i felt for Mistress, held her close to my heart and realised just how much i love her. Because of all that happened i lost sight of it. But with only having time to think, and reflect.. away from all the pain i remembered. There were only a few things on my mind , my daughter, and Mistress. I may not scream it out like brother loni does, or even brother kal. But i do, with all my heart i do. She is everything to me, my sun, my moon , my world. I would do anything for her, *anything*. I love her, not just as my Mistress, but my love, my friend, my companion, my sister.. so many things i cannot begin to say. I love her for all that She is. I am scared to say it as loni does, to make it so open and free. I am scared that i love her so much. Because.. i don’t want a way for someone to find a way to hurt me. I always will love her. No matter what happens between us or how our relationship gorws. It is unconditional. I never want to cause her pain, or for her to doubt me again. I know that because i have been .. quieter in expressing it that i have very heavily shown it in my devotion and my submission. Of course i have doubts and fears at times i’m only human, but i remember what it is i really want. And how much i will fight for that. I would love to say as loni does, do as loni does and show it so openly.. but things are different for me. He is there with her, i can only be with her with restrictions of distance right now. And some people see that as being lesser somehow. I don’t. I know my feelings and i know they span away from the online world. But .. i have already had to fight to prove this to some. The fear of people thinking its lesser, or people thinking i am falling into something is quite big. I am fighting it and rather successfully but it does hold back what and how i show it.

I constantly wander what the future will bring, for me, for Mistress, for my brothers, and also for my daugher. I would give anything for our dream to come true, for us all to live together, with our poly relationship, and our little shop, with soaps, and bath stuff, and metaphysics and. and.. all of that. I know it will be hard, their will be trials. I know also that mine and my daughters current situation will have to be fixed. And i *know* it will, i refuse to see anything else because if i do i give in to doubts. I know others are already.. and that saddens me a little because i refuse too. I will fight for what i want, and i will live my dream. I am going to emigrate, and give everything i have to make it happen. Life will never be easy.. But i want to share it with my family. My *true* family. Whatever our relationship becomes..
I spend this xmas and new years the quietest i have since childhood, though i hope more enjoyable. Its a hard time of year full of reflections, and regrets. The last 2 days i have been seriously reflecting on my life. More than i ever had and i think i have grown an awful lot. I am stronger, i am not alone anymore, and i have direction in my life. I acheived everything this year i wanted, even if it is not in the way i wished in places. It can only get better from here, and my love for Mistress and my family can only grow.

My aspirations for the next year

I want stability back, and the situation with my daughter resolved.

I want to meet Mistress and brother loni in april, and be with them.

I want my dream, and to continue to have the strength to fight.

I want to continue giving and feeling the love i feel.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on December 24, 2008.