Change

I think things are starting to change, and for the better again. Mistress is going to be more present, there is dialogue again between us that was before lost because of other things. I sit here and i am kind of in a state of shock.. i’m shaking and this has knocked me to the side a little. I wasn’t expecting it.

I don’t want to admit it, but i think, in at least a small way , my trust has been shaken. I have found it harder to communicate for many reasons with Mistress. She has been so busy with other issues, and i have been patient .. but i let it go to far without speaking up and it has damaged things a little and i really don’t want that. So that will change. So many changes in such a small time has left me shaken in my place, shaken in my feelings and shaken in many other ways as i have picked up on Mistress’s energy and emotions. I know my place has never changed. I know that and that i accept. My feelings have however been shifted through this, there is a fear i need to let go off and now. I need to start being able to talk fully with Mistress again, as my Mistress. I need to break down the walls i’ve let build up, and i need to trust. Most importantly i need trust to return. I nearly questioned Mistress in something as we chatted, something about trusting my brother Eros, and that if i didn’t open up to trust him she would Dom me into it. .And i stopped i had to stop and hold my lip.. i wanted to say how would you Domming me into trusting someone, opening up.. help? It would be forcing me into doing something that isnt an easy jump.. something that i don’t know i could do.. is that fear again, yes.. but of what i’m not sure. opening up to arik, or being Dommed again after so long. Mistress has said i am the best female submissive she has ever had, and i am truely honoured by that. Really deeply so, but that right now i am rusty and i will shine like a new penny again. I agree i am rusty.. I want to write.. but is that all my fault, am i the one to blame for that solely? but i also know that this isnt about blame in any way. This isnt about the past its about moving on to what is to come.

Mistress is going to start being extremely strict with me and eros.. And i find myself ver y scared of that. Also Mistress wishes me to help her with a female who has come to her for training, by showing her the perfect female submissive. It terrifies me because any single small mistake and i will be punished.. It also thrills me… at the same time that once again i will be dommed. It isn’t up to me if i think i am ready or able to do this, that is Mistress;s choice.

I have a new mantra, and will be getting new duties.. my new mantra.. “change is not always traumatic”…

This is going to be extremely hard.. In all my life change has lead to some wrong, some harm, on varying levels.. always. To break that thinking.. its gonig to take all my strength.How do you break something engrained since childhood? Something you learn to fear, and occasionally, hide from.All i can do is try..

I feel nervous writing this.. and.. well. It made me cry. Especially writing about those walls i have put up between myself and Mistress. I have not voiced that before and dont want to again. I want things to be good again.

My last post about blessings was done from an assignment from Mistress but i ended u pvery far away from that posts purpose.. so i try again..

Things have been hard.. But i still have things to be grateful for.

I am grateful to have Mistress in my life. She is a shining focal point in my life, that makes me feel warm, cared for, loved, safe, she makes me feel like i want to give my all for her, to serve her, and i would. When things get hard i should focus on that..

I am grateful for others that care for me, wish me well in things and consider me family. Because without them i would be alone, without them i would be less than i am, and when i feel low i need to remember that.

I need to remember i am healthy, that i can work through things and i am grateful i have the capability to do that..

A new post from a very little girl right now.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on July 30, 2008.