Lessons of the beast

It gets later here. Not long before i go home and i am glad.Then perhaps toni can find some peace. and maybe so can i . I do not wish to sound selfish afterall in following my heart it was my desicion to come to this and i have no regrets . But it hurt me too.i do not like hurting anyone especially those i feel for.My head whirls tonight with everything. And i seek the sweet release of my inner pain but i will not succomb. Not this time. I will fight it not give in.

I have a darkness in me at times. One that does not go away it sits there, a beast in the mist. Hidden until drawn out and then it rampages. Leaving behind a trail of destruction. We all have it inside us. The beast that that burns all inside us and i fight it. I will not let it enter those places i wish as mine anymore. It can stay locked in my old sanctuary.. Away from light, away from my soul and away from others. I will leave it in that cave.. alone. No matter what it takes. I will not let it enter those places special to me even if i have to cut myself from them for a time. Shut out the safety and the light so noone else can get affected. Even if it hurts. I miss the link i miss the sanctuary but i do not know whether me entering would bring that darkness with me, and above all else i do not wish to hurt another. The sweet girl in blue who holds my hand and tells me its ok. The one who holds me as i cry, sitting hidden in the flowers and the one who recognises my true nature. I sit on a hill to the side of the House, far away enough that i can see its peace and i can see the girl but i cannot bring her harm. Maybe she can help me enter in safety.. i sit and wait and watch till then or until the beast inside me lessens.

Strange isn’t it what quells the beast. For me its viciousness, not from me but from others. It keeps it at bay. The thought of pain and torture i would never ever give it. Perhaps thats part of my draw to pain.. A quell in things. i do not know all i know is the delight i get in it.

hmm I’m tired. i shake and i cannot cry even though there are many tears in me. Tears of happiness and sadness. Perhaps this blog is more dark than i should write i do not know. Thats the thing with the dark isn’t it, it permeates everything except the brightest light. and thank the Goddess for that. Because there is light in my life.

I wonder if it is wrong to want sweet release.. Not the release of destruction but one engrained deep in love. Rough, animalistic, painful and in that all of my pain washing away in humiliation, degredation, violation and base lust.

~ by chyldeofthenorns on April 23, 2008.