Submission is hard!

In almost every submissive/slave’s blog i have seen a post about this very subject. I never thought i would write the same in my blog but its a very important part of submission… The reality as compared to the glamorised leather wearing whip toting anjelina jolie wannabie version of submission.  ( Mistress loves that term sooo much lol).

Submission is about sacrifice, and surrender. Your life is no longer your own, you belong totally to someone else. There is not one part of you left that belongs to you. If you have tasks to perform, whatever they are you cannot just not do them because you are busy.. You have to find a way to get them done. You put someone else before yourself at all times. You live to make another happy.

I’ve seen so many wannabies who think they can do this cave under the reality of it. Its not some easy picnic. No relationship is. Even i find it hard at times. But i carry on because i get true fulfillment out of service, even the hard times.

No 24/7 slaves life is always entrenched in obvious submission. You don’t spend your life in a gilded cage wearing silks looking pretty waiting to be used, or whipped or flogged or ordered around. Even the most yielding slave needs her( or his) own mind too. Unfortunately mundanity gets in the way. Trust me i would love to live in a gilded cage like that. Even the reality of that would be some ugly square cage, the kind you put dogs into when they are being obediance trained, or when they are sick. See where reality kicks in there?

I think people forget the responsibility true submission has. You are entrusted with, essentially, your Dominants life. You become their confidant, their rock.. You become privy to the most sensitive information, you do their groceries, you care for them when they are sick, for  some slaves, tend to budgets and bills and cleaning and relaxation. Of course to get to this point in a relationship takes time so it does not apply to those new to a relationship but for those that have been in it for a while.. Sure it counts.. On top of that you have to care for your own , not only because because you are owned and therefore need to take care of yourself and risk no harm to your owners property but because if you don’t you cannot have gained the maturity to look after your own life.

I think those wannabies i mentioned before can’t handle both. Maybe i’m so good at things like this because i have a daughter.. I know what it is like and readily have given that sacrifice before. In different ways yes but there are comparisons with some things that can be drawn. A mother sacrifices for their child, a mother cares for a child, a mother puts everything they are into their child much like a slave gives there all for a Dominant . ( For those that may be unclear i am not calling Dominants children… (gods, imagine how sore my poor ass would be if i was)

It gets even harder when there is more than one slave involved, and serving a Dominant. Because you work with each other.. yes in theory it should halve the load right? ( Not that it is perceived as a load, its perceived and is at least to me a  joy to serve) But then everyone has some failing, some little thing that grates or annoys or just simply , they can’t fulfill in the Dominant. Slaves are humans, not automatons, they can’t be perfect. Then it leaves the other slave feeling like they have to pick up the slack so to speak. Its just the way a true slave thinks and works.

Sometimes, just sometimes, a slave can be aroused, or feeling upset or need something and the Dominant wants/needs something else. The slave has to respect and tend to their Dominants needs putting their own aside. That can be frustrating sometimes too.

A good slave knows this. The really good slaves, the perfect slaves, also know that Dominants feel like this too. A good slave knows that an Owner cannot 24/7 live life out in a play scene. They are always in control yes but sometimes they just need companionship, someone to chat too, or watch tv with or vent at or just *shock horror* have a nice , gentle mostly vanilla moment. Dominants get burned out sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to be in control all the time and a good slave can recognise this and back off. Dominants with burnout can find a slaves nature needy or clingy or sometimes just a little creepy. You have to find a balance.. And sometimes .. you know.. slaves can miss that. Dominants don’t always want to order their slaves into deviant and kinky ( i love the word deviant.. i don’t use it enough) sexual acts and tie them up in a series of intricate knotwork that takes about 2 hours to complete.. yay shibari. A good slave makes the Dominants life easier, and lessen the energy that is needed to do all of this. Because trust me, all i mentioned above.. can be turned around and applied to a Dominants life. Its really very easy if you are a dedicated loving slave to remember that. I don’t know why more slaves can’t do this. So many just don’t seem to get it.They are selfish and expect the Dominant to do all the work.

I get frustrated sometimes. I recognise burn out in Mistress sometimes.. I feel that responsibility and that sacrifice more deeply at times than others. I put Mistress first in all things and i tend to myself so that i am looking after Mistress’s property. I can let my slave needs overwhelm noticing burnout and i get clingy, i am like most women overemotional at times. But i LOVE serving Mistress, i am exactly where i want my life to be, apart from the 3000 something miles between Mistress and i. And yet despite that distance, i seem to be the only one capable of understanding Mistress completly..

Speaks volumes right.

I want Mistress, need Mistress with every fiber of my being. I miss Her and crave Her and want Her happiness all the time. It never stops. I dream about Her, i fantasise about Her. I love Her and though i sometimes get some of the frustrations mentioned in this blog.. She is like oxygen to me, She’s like chocolate and pretty underwear and my PC to me.. Essential.

so i was laying in bed….

…..with my legs bent and i was playing around with my phone and thought i’d try a pic.

Things Mistress sent me

Mistress recently sent me a parcel full of gifts and i have been promising to post pictures for ages. You’ll have to forgive the pictures that were taken on my cell phone, and my room has bad lighting.

This is my “vanilla” everyday collar. Its gorgeous!!! the picture barely does it justice. I only take it off to clean or when i bathe now. It fits on my wedding finger ( happy happy slave).

A ring that i wear on the middle finger of my right hand. Plain silver with a pattern engraved into it. Mistress’s boy also has one.

Homemade perfume in a roll on bottle! Mistress used to run a business that sold bath products and perfumes etc. This one is vanilla, and has a floral twist. I LOOOVE it. I smell good enough to eat

A card that Mistress found for me, inside is a special note to me from Her ( but i’m not sharing that:P.

This is an empty notebook, inside is a picture and quote Mistress has added on the first page. I am to fill this book with things that make me happy. Its my book of light:)

One of the books Mistress has wanted me to read for a long time now. It used to be Hers but She has given it to me.

A real life postsecret postcard that Mistress found inside a postsecret book She had brought at borders.

A silk scarve, so i can feel the silk against my skin. When we are online in sl Mistress likes me to wear silks. Hence the silk scarf.

A pack of angel cards. I love tarot and oracle cards. These were ones that belonged to Mistress that She has used.

One of Mistress favourite scented yankee candles. Now my room can smell like Her apartment.

A book Mistress published. It is the only copy Mistress had.

A silver bracelet with a quote from shakespeare. ” This above all; to thine own self be true. “

There is also a top that Mistress  sent me , but it is in the wash right now because iwore it straight away:P

For Mistress…

For Mistress

I will never leave your side

(Elphaba):
I’m limited
Just look at me – I’m limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda):
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you…

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you…

(Both):
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…

A girl claimed

Mistress has toyed with me of all the things She has planned for me when i go out to see Her over new years. She sat on the balcony and told me of all the things She would do to me as i listened on squirming and occasionally whimpering.

When i got off the plane and She and d picked me up how i would sit in the back of Her car in the middle, my legs spread wide and made to play. God how that thrilled me, knowing that if someone just happened to glance in the car and see me they would see an owned slut toying with Herself writhing in the car so Mistress could turn as d drived and see me playing with myself.

When W/we get to Her apartment She will  shut the door, slap my face hard and slip my collar and leash on me, bend me over and take me savagly until i cried out in pain from it all with the blinds open so the world can see her girl, and when She was done having Her way with me and i had shuddered to orgasm She would lead me by my hair to the bathroom, and sit me down on the toilet until i needed to pee and She would make me play with myself as i peed, forcing me to stop and start peeing so that i came while i was peeing and then She would wipe me. Then She will strip off any remaining clothes, and have me shower while She watches me clean myself, every last bit of my body open and bare for Her to see. Her little humiliated taken slave.

When i have done with cleaning myself  She will lead me to the bedroom by my hair, push me onto the bed, tie my hands to the bed and stuff me with toys.  She will whip my entire body, She will leave me bruised and marked.  She will make me come as many times as She wishes, over and over and over and then after She had done She will sit on my face and have me please Her.

Then She will untie the restraints and if i can stand after all of that She will hug me, if not She will leave me in the bedroom while She goes into the front room and when i was ready to serve Her only then, as i crawl out on my hands and knees and tell Her i am ready to be Her girl will She hug me.

She will sit at Her pc chair and turn it to the balcony so the world can see me on my knees serving her. When W/we go out on the balcony to smoke i am only allowed to go out in a robe ( unless really really cold then i will be allowed a coat) and i will have my back to the edge of the balcony so i can sit with my legs spread so She can always see my pussy.

She will at new years want to fuck me, as the gongs ring, savagly taking my ass while i am sucking d’s cock.

She will savagly and without any doubt claim Her property while i am there and girl cannot wait.

Knowing all of this makes girl extremely wet and squirmy. As i listened to all She had planned for me i got wetter and wetter, and breathier and breathier. I cannot wait for Mistress to claim what is Hers. In 2 years noone has touched me, and i yearn for Her touch. I yearn to be claimed , completely. I long or the humiliation and the thought of it made me feel more and more owned and controlled, horny and wet and wanting. Knowing that She wants to slap me makes me tremble with excitement. Many times have i fantasised about it. Many times have i thought of Her bending me over and savagly plunging that cock inside my ass, forcing it in until i cried out in pain and pleasure as i pushed back on it like a little whore. I have in my darkest and most alone thoughts, the very rare ones i rarely speak of thought of Her using me while i needed to pee. Knowing that She wished to watch me pee i have thought of what it would be like if She decided to wipe me. I thought of exactly how humiliated i would be. I thought of how i knew i wouldn’t stop Her but inside i would be completly unsure, edgy, nervous.. Completly humiliated and small. I’ve thought about how it would feel, to have Her hand there, wiping me like i was a child. I have wondered what it would be like for Her to watch me shower and i want Her to see so much it burns in me. The thought of that close of an inspection terrifies and arouses and excites.I’ve imagined being restrained and completly at Her whim, forced to orgasm again and again until i had no energy left and i’ve dreamed about Her sitting on my face so i could please Her and all i would know was Her , Her smell, Her taste, the feel of Her wetness and cum on my face and the restriction of breath as Her pussy grinds into my face. The feel of Her thighs by my head, unable to move.. Unwanting to move.. My whole world collapsed down to just Her.

I’ve fantasised so often about so many of these things.. to know that Mistress has them planned for me makes me tremble and wet and giddy with excitement at the thought of Her finally seeing and claiming all of the little slut i can be. After 2 years my body aches for Her touch all the time now.

If Mistress likes this post i am allowed to fuck my ass while She watches. I hope She will want to see me fuck myself. I wonder if She will want me to move the cam so She can see me on my bed.. I’ve tested it and you can see things in so much detail.. Much closer than the last time She watched me so closely. I almost feel like begging for it but my place is not to push it is for Her pleasure. only.

I am a lucky slave.

house slaves and torture

Mistress is considering a house slave, someone to come in and do Mistress’s housework because of her busy work hours and Her needs. I am very happy for Mistress to look and fill the void in Her needs right now. I want Mistress to be happy and this will help enormously. I think it will make Her happier, it will give her more free time and the ability to relax that little more knowing its taken care of.  I have no qualms about it nor do i feel threatened by it.I think it will be a very good thing.

This morning Mistress has tortured me, leaving me sitting here with my juices on my face, writhing on the toy in my ass and pushed into my pussy. I am aching throbbing hot and wet for Mistress. I can feel my juices warm and wet and sweet covering my inner thighs, making my pussy slippery and i ache to come for Mistress. I want to feel the painful pleasure of slapping my face, my cheeks are flushed and smeared with my juices, when i slapped my cunt under Mistress’s direction i could feel it burning and stinging and with every slap i got wetter, when i pushed my toy inside me it slipped in easily, filling me up inside, pressing against the toy in my ass making me squirm and shudder. I want Mistress so badly, with just words She can turn me into a wanting whore.

Hearing Mistress get hot at the thought of slapping my face, hearing me cry out and pull my hand to my face to rub and sooth the throbbing, if i am not already tied up and wriggling and begging for Her to slap me that is. I cannot wait until my visit and Mistress can use me like the little bitch i am.

I’m sitting here now as instructed a toy deep inside my ass, stretching my tight little hole and burning with pleasure, so hot inside and so full and stretched , and my wet, dripping pussy has my rabbit inside, the vibe part resting on my clit vibrating hard as i squirm and fuck them, grinding into them as i type. I want Mistress so badly, i want to be marked by Her, i want to feel that stinging pain, i want to be flogged and marked and used somuch i don’t know when up is down. I have to please wqith this post and only then will Mistress even consider me being allowed to cum.

Every time i writh on them, i get wetter and wetter, so ready for use, so wanting, such a little slut. I canot wait for Mistress to roughly claim what is Hers as She described to me this morning as i whimpered and writhed, i want to be inspected and watched and made to be on display , my pussy lips spread wide as my wetness is on show for all to see. I want to be controlled and small and humiliated.

I want to please so much it burns, inside , outside , everywhere.. my whole body is on fire with thoughts of my service. girl loves being controlled like this, turned into a little slut in wanting, and needing and desire to please and serve.

**Mistress’s desicion**

me:  oh god Mistress pleeease whines

Lady:  Reading
me:  yes Mistresss
Sent at 7:06 AM on Friday
Lady:  Slap your face
me:  whimpers  and whipers
Lady:  Now fuck your pussy like a good whore and make yourself cum nice and hard.  Be loud. I want I an s to know you were used this am

Out of Focus

Do you ever have those days where no matter what you do, or are doing you kind of slip out of yourself and it feels like you are watching yourself from about 1 inch away?In your body but that it was on autopilot.

I had a bad case of it this morning. Mistress tasked me with something big today, and somewhat new for me. Of course being the dutiful slave, and wishing to please i immediately started the task, and its initial steps to have Mistress having to correct me twice as i had followed instructions wrong. She even asked me if something was wrong as it would not be a mistake i would normally make. I had no reason to give. Still don’t. I havn’t made a big commotion about the fact i got those directions wrong, nor spiralled into guilt favoring moving on and carrying on with it to the best of my abilities and have been doing much better.

However i had a moment of rabbit caught in headlights. This is a big test for me on something Mistress hopes to see me able to do. I want desperatly to prove that i can. I have obviously done my very best. I live to serve. That out of focus moment could not have come at a worse time.

I still feel a little “out of focus”. I cannot place the cause i just hope it does not impact more on the day. I have been unlike myself for the past week anyway because of stress, and though that is ending now i know it has affected me. Maybe that is the cause. Finally a day to relax, and not be stressed so i went into autopilot.

On top of this yesterday something amazing happened , i got a package from Mistress full of all sorts of amazing things from Her. I now have a ring( my vanilla collar) jewellery, perfume, books, a card, a book of light, angel cards.. all sorts of things ( which i am going to take pics of , because i am so excited by it i want to share the joy. Plus i want to start putting more pics into my blog, where better to start)

I was ecstatic about it and still am. I drove my flatmates mad i imagine squealing about it all day. So i say i am out of focus,but i am very ground into Mistress. I can feel the rings weight on my finger, the bracelet on my wrist, the smell of the perfume She had made for me and am wearing the top She had sent me. I couldn’t be more ground into Mistress..

Last night i had trouble playing. Mistress had granted me free reign to play when i wished after i had asked with some difficulty for that freedom. There were reasons i asked for that freedom and it has been helpful, but last night i just could not get my body to respond right even though the arousal was there. I felt like it wasn’t Mistress’s orgasm, or Mistress’s granting of pleasure. Mistress allowing me free reign is a HUUUGE gift. And yet last night i felt.. like i had taken the control away from Mistress, by granting myself pleasure when i wished it..

I am not at all ungrateful for the freedom to play, i had asked ( with difficulty) because of very good reasons but i miss the control too. I miss it a lot. I know , i know, be careful what you wish for, and i know it sound s ungrateful when i am really really grateful.

I don’t feel out of focus with my service to Mistress. I know my place very well. I was nervous this morning, but relishing the task given to me and i have enjoyed it too. But i do feel, outside of myself a little.

Service book of days

Outside my window… the sky is black and heavy with clouds with just the smallest tips of silver from the moon.

my thoughts… The difficulties of prioritising time, the sidelining of others,well meant, genuine but broken promises and dissapointment.

Today’s Quote… To have someone give you control of their bodies and minds, to be entrusted with the responsibility to take care of them, to have someone willing to suffer for you, to forsake pride and dignity to please you… what other gift in this world can possibility equate to that? And more importantly, what makes you worthy to receive it? ~Anonymous

i am thankful for… A warm apartment, internet to talk to Mistress and well meaning friends.

From my service training… Meditation and mantras.

From the kitchen… Steak, salad and sweet potato thick cut fries.

i am wearing… grey fleecy robe, pink pyjama top and bottoms.

i am creating…a new and improved meal plan for Mistress

my adventures this week…Going to town briefly tomorrow.

Becoming well read… Assasins of Gor

i manifest and co-create…compassion, mediation, cleanliness

Todays Melody

One of my favorite things… The smile on Mistress’s face when things are well.

further plans for this week… creating, emailing, blogging, working.

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Long Distance Love

To think I might not see those eyes Makes it so hard not to cry … Even if you can not hear my voice I’ll be right beside you

” Quote unknown, found from a friends status message in facebook. “

Sometimes the distance is unbearable. It breaks my heart and i cry sad or worried tears. I don’t write that to upset or worry or make anyone feel bad, as anyone in a long distance relationship knows, its one of the burdens that gets carried. I write this so others in my place can see the hardships as well as the upsides and maybe take comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in feeling it too.In feeling the frustration and the sadness and the heart wrenching at not being able to do anything. The three people i love the most in the entire world are all far away from me now.

Mistress is ill. It is the one thing that makes me feel the distance the most. I can only do so much and as much as i wish it was more,  that something i can do is not enough. Not really. I can be a comforting voice, i can sit on the phone for as long as i can keep my eyes awake. I can motivate and i can let Her know how much i love and care but i can’t be there when Mistress needs me most of all. When Mistress truely needs someone there to take care of Her.

To me the true show of love, the thing that shows the truest devotion is being there, when the person you love most of all in the entire world needs caring for. Making them chicken soup, sitting at there side, making sure they are as comfortable as they can be, holding a cool cloth to their forehead, stroking the hair away from a clammy face, cleaning away snotty tissues and holding things together so the one you love can heal.

The true test of love is being there when the world falls away, when you are there for the one you love through the times that are the hardest and i can’t do that yet, not properly.I can do the best with what i can do and i do. I can and do live with the distance and have made some kind of peace with it but when Mistress is ill, it breaks my heart i cannot do more for Her.

I am happy and grateful that tonight D can be there ( please note it is the first time i call him D, and not potential). That he can take care of Mistress when i cannot. She needs someone who can do that. I wish i could but i can’t so i am glad She doesn’t have to be alone.

And i think, i must confess… I am starting to love D. I love Him for the devotion and care and love He has for Mistress, i love Him for seeing in me the truth of how i feel and not dismissing me as some pixelatted piece of fun and nothing more, i love Him for his consideration and care of my feelings in the relationships we are all forging together. I love Him for the truely amazing man He is.I love D.

How do i know this? Becase while i was sitting here desperately worried for Mistress, not knowing how She is feeling but trusting that D will take care of Her like i cannot. I  thought to of Him, i thought of how sad it must be because who is there for Him at that time. He has family, yes. And now Mistress too, and me, for what little i can do. And i thought and thought and i want to take care of Him too. I want to be there for Him when he is sick.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love