Sensual teasing and hard release

Mistress was toying with the gentle one tonight, he sat on Her lap while She toyed with his cock making him come for Her while i danced for Her pleasure. Mistress was on cam too and She kept giving me these looks that made me blush and look down.  The more She toyed with Him the more tormented and turned on i was. I was squirming in my chair and i am sure i had that slutty look Mistress says i get. She was tired too i wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen tonight. Mistress is very good at surprises. She tormented the gentle one making him squirm and moan, something he doesn’t usually do, She had him tell me , and Her who owned His cock and the pleasure he was feeling and i listened with every word Mistress said sending shivers through me and making my wet pussy ache while i squirmed. I longed to touch myself while Mistress was on cam, to press a finger against my swollen clit and rub, wondering if Mistress would notice if i did and everytime i thought that was when Mistress looked at me, making me smile nervously as i blushed. She had an amused look.

Mistress told me She had a gift for me after the gentle one had cum, , while She was still milking his cock clean of his juices. She told me to ccrawl over and i did quickly on my hands and knees and Mistress told me to lick Her clean. I took her hand gently in my own holding it as i licked at Her fingers, tasting him on Her and underneath that , the taste of Her skin, the way it felt, the warmth the softness, how contained and intimate an act it was to have Her fingers in my mouth.  I cannot wait for her touch when i go and visit Her. I can imagine it all so vividly.

Mistress pushed him off Her lap, making him lick himself off her too, which he did nervously. I thought about how it would feel to accidently brush my lips against his, press my tongue against his. As i was thinking that Mistress pushed him to kiss me, while we were cleaning Her fingers, then pulled them away and made us kiss. *blushes*God how much i was aching sitting at home wondering how i would handle asking again to play a second night in  a row.

Mistress pulled him to one side by his hair exposing his neck and without thinking i kissed and nibbled it, as he moaned. Mistress knelt behind him poressing into him doing the same, biting at his neck as he groaned and half growled, and i bit into him harder to match Mistress’s , and out of sheer excitement. We marked him, and i stroked the marks , as Mistress licked his bruised flesh telling him that this was nothing.

He had to leave for bed then, assigned by Mistress to cum again just before he slept. Thinking of the scene. we logged out of imvu and i was squirming hard. I kept thinking about how i would approach asking if i could have permission to play again tonight. I wanted to feel something pushed deep inside me, i wanted to close my eyes and let go of some of the frustration that seems constantly within me recently. Every surge of desire i have, every flutter inside me and wave of pleasure and i think of Mistress and its tormenting. Oh god i want Her so badly.

Mistress asked me to guess waht, and i guessed She wnated me to call her as She was going outside to Her balcony, and She said i had won a prize. I was instantly curious. Mistress got outside and asked if i had enjoyed that and i whimpered a yes.  She whispered to me about how She would have him take me, deep in my ass, fucking me as i rode him and She toyed with my nipples, and raked Her nails against my chest. She told me he would come deep inside me. And how when he was done She would take me and drag me by the hair to the whipping post, and restrain me there and whip me until i sagged in my restraints. Something i fantasise about a lot. I have never been taken so far to my limits to do that and i want it, badly. My limits are high and i have a lot of stamina and noone has managed to keep it up for long enough to get me past the initial bliss of the pain.  As She told me all this i whimpered on the phone in Her ear and squirmed hard on my aching pussy.

Mistres told me then that She would take meand i groaned and i let my fingers run over myself , just a little bit, brusing against my hard nipples. That thought was enough to drive me to distraction. To imagine Her violating, taking me while i hadn’t the strength to even hold myself up.

She told me She was tempted to have me log in again and go to Miss Blue, to tell Her of this, and that She would have Miss Blue tease me as i hung at the whipping post, SHe told me to imagine myself used in every hole and then when i was finished Mistress would leave me on display, and ready for Her guests to use as She saw fit.She told me She was tempted to have me please Miss Blue and i bit my lip and squirmed more , wanting to please.

When i left Mistress i went into the bedroom with my toys. I have to keep them by y desk so they are close if Mistress ever wants to use me. I knelt on the bed, my face pressed into my pillows, causing my breath to be hard to catch, as i fucked my ass, imagining just how the gentle one would feel inside me, as he took me, i knelt up , riding my toy as i imagined Mistress raking her nails against my breasts, and biting my nipples. I raked my own hands across them, and over the nipples as i cried out and then when i had come from that, i took my rabbit and fucked my pussy, teasing my clit first with the vibrating part of my rabbit as i whimpered, imagining myself tied to that post, Mistress behind me , toying with my ass, and whipping me as Miss Blue toyed with my pussy, and fucked it like She had done with Her boy and his ass. Making me beg to cum and god i wanted it. I wanted it badly enough i begged thin air to be allowed to cum. Mistress said She was tempted to let Miss Blue use me and i wanted it so badly. And when i had come again i took my ass again, harder, while i fucked my pussy again imagining being violated, touched by Mistress and i shuddered to orgasm again begging to be violated. If this is good enough i am allowed to play again tonight , only with my fingers on my clit. I hope it is, i hope it pleases because it is a huge gift to be allowed to play like this.

Mistress had a boy in fetish fire tonight, one who had been playing with the fucktoy She had wanted. She was going to punish him for that, She was going to have me, lowly slave, take him , use him, violate him and fuck him. She had me whip him until She felt like She wanted to expend the energy tooThen had me move to one of the new fuck machines. This fucktoy was lover to the “gimp” i mentioned in my punishment and i admit i took out some of the fear of that event out on him. I was not excited by what i was doing to him because of him. he was too effeminate of a male .. there was just something. I sometimes like femmeboi’s but not him. What excited me was what Mistress was doing and saying, and how i was doing it to please her. I have been feeling more and more tormented lately. Its always there now as mentioned in my last post, to varying degrees and the chance to please Her, even if it wasn’t pleasing Her directly was a relief to it. Today Mistress had me do something small, unworthy a thing really of mentioning, just a task to do during the day and it made me really happy to do it. I felt fulfilled because of it. Mistress has let me play tonight after i asked. I have an.. interesting.. day tomorrow and i had asked after Mistress had told me how well i would do and how strong i was.. it felt like such a wrong time to ask, but i did kind of want to play tonight too. It calms my nerves as well as the turn on tonight was.Mistress just watched me for a while. I like when She does, though i play the cutesy when \She does. it makes me feel like i am hers.

So i’m going to play now and think of tonight and the ever present torment in my head now. Of wanting Mistress, of pleasing Mistress, of watching Mistress of desiring, and degradation , and hmiliation, and of being a good slave and of being a worthless fucktoy, of taking someone for Mistress ( though not that boy from tonight), of performing for Mistress, of being used by guests.. for all those things and more .

torment

I wanted to write about torment. Mistress was toying with someone last night, and She was really enjoying it. She asked me a question, i don’t remember what it was now but i replied about how i thought the person was lucky Mistress wanted to toy with them, and She told me to be careful of the green eyed monster. But i wasn’t jealous. I was happy that Mistress was enjoying herself. But it was torment for me. Its always torment for me when She plays with another because i want to toyed with to, i want to be worthy enough to be toyed with. I want to cause that excitement and energy in Mistress. Its torment when She toys with me and doesn’t let me release. Its torment for me when i am used by another with or without Mistress present because though i am doing her wishes and pleasing because of that ( a feeling i adore) at the same time its not Mistress directly i’m pleasing. Its torment because i want Her so badly. Its not jealousy. I guess its what cuckolding feels like, maybe.Its torment when i am good and pleasing and Mistress wants another, as much as i am happy about it because Mistress is pleased.

Its torment, and i like the torment, and i hate the torment.

And i like that torment. And i hate it.

Submissive games and confusion

I need clear boundaries for my submission to work. I think all submissives do. Things with Mistress and i are good. There are rules and boundaries. Its why my submission works.

Things go between very informal to the other extreme rather quickly and i can work that very well. I am used to the switch. I know the things Mistress does and doesn’t like and i know what and what She does not expect. And its what She expects of me. To be able to switch like that. Because O/our relationship is rl and because of the normailities of serving within a rl frame things aren’t all whips and chains etc. There is a time and place for that of course but there are other times, where things are more informal. My service can be that of .. secretary or PA or friend or girlfriend in nature. I think that is normal in a D/s relationship thats going to last. It takes the Dom/me a lot of energy otherwise. But there are are always rules.

Mistress and i were talking today and the subject of me asking to play came up. I don’t have to ask to play anymore, unless i have forgotten a rules change, but sometimes i feel the need to ask anyway. Last night was one of those. By the time i did go to bed last night i was too tired for anything anyway but if i wasnt i would have asked if i could play as we had spent a large part of the day in a more formal way with friends and there was play which turned me on greatly but i was not allowed release. However i know if i ask the answer will be no 99% of the time so i don’t ask. My words to Mistress were there is no point in asking. Thats not true there is point *but*…. I think Mistress likes it when i do ask because of the game of it, as She put it today. The fun of denying me or making me beg.However a lot of submissive/Domme games i don’t play anymore because to me it feel like i am pushing when i do that. Mistress may not see it that way i don’t know. I know Mistress does not like pushing. She see’s it as topping from the bottom. The submissive forcing the Domme into a position to do something. My place is that of slave. I know what that means and entails and the rules with that. The slave has nothing the Domme doesn’t give. So.. if its given…. do i ask?.. Does a slave still play those games? If so how much? Are there ways of  coaxing the Domme that aren’t direct? Or is that just topping from the bottom?

I am in a bit of confusion because i don’t know what i am meant to be doing about that because from the way things work with Mistress and i , which has a nice harmony where we both know what our places are.. A lot of the old.. submissive behaviours that Mistress perhaps after todays brief talk She might still like or look for, as slave now i don’t do so much. Especially after my recent spate of punishments for forgetting my place. I do what i am told or is expected. I don’t push, or want to, but that means i don’t dare try the games either.

I’m not even sure if this is something i am meant to be thinking about. Afterall i’m the slave. Mistress decides the dynamic in our relationship. But again Mistress does not want a brainless thing. She likes that i think. After my last punishment i am completly desperate not to forget my place again. Knowing Mistress will push at my hard limits, which.. does give me a thrill from fear and excitement yes, makes me not want to get into that position again too. Sometimes i want to ask for things, or play those games that Mistress mentions but i don’t because i think i am not meant to. Yet i notice Mistress liking it in submissives. And i certainly used to play them. I have been slave to no other before and there are some things now i am unsure on what i should do.

The violation of it

*edited prepost.. Mistress told me not to write an essay on this but it is starting to get very long, but Mistress also said She wanted to know where my mind is at after this punishment, and to do so i need to write more.. i am sorry. I’m not sure what i should about the length*

I suppose i should start on why i was punished yesterday. I had really wanted a mount in wow, a fast horse. Mistress had helped me with my first one, a saber tooth cat. I love having one like Mistress and ws soo happy when She helped me get it . But i wanted a horse too, i thought they looked really good. I had thought i could use the one i wanted to at any point then, go between the 2 mounts. It gave me a bit of choice depending on my mood.  So i had spent time, on my own getting the rep needed to buy it. When i had discussed it with Mistress in the past I had mentioned wanting it. Mistress and i had talked about how much it would cost and about waiting for my flying mount. I suggested getting the money on my secondary character to pay it so nothing came out of my main characters account. Mistress had said She would think about it. I made that money on my secondary yesterday so i broached the subject again. Mistress wasn’t happy. Mistress doesn’t like the way my characters race looks on the horse. She said She would think about it. I should have let it go there i really really should have done. As a slave i should have said yes Mistress and left it there. But instead i said that one of her characters has a different mount, similar to the horse. I was just meaning to state it as a fact. But Mistress thought it was spiteful and that i was reffering back to a conversation we had had previously and that i was bringing it back up. I really wasn’t doing that. I hadn’t even thought about that discussion. The horse was important to me because i had worked for it, and i really had tried hard to get what was required for it. I wish i had shut up i really really do. I should have done , as slave i should have done. I only get what Mistress gives me.  And maybe if i had been in the proper place in my submission i would have done but something had been off for a few days. There was no reason for it to be off either. Things have been really good, peaceful, and Mistress has been happy. I knew my place, though there was no reminders i knew it but i guess that slipped. For that i am very sorry for. I was trying so hard to be a good slave. I have been for a long time. I’ve felt increasingly bad  however with all the mistakes i’ve been making in wow. I don’t mean to make them but when you try too hard you get flustered and make mistakes when your trying to be perfect. Sometimes i feel very stupid for the mistakes i make. Mistakes i shouldn’t be making. I know it gets infuriating. Its hard staying good all the time. And i am usually so good at keeping myself in check. I feel ashamed of my behaviour yesterday and that i made Mistress angry. I have the horse now, Mistress said i could get it before She logged out of wow and from cam. I don’t even want to look at it because its going to remind me of my misdemeanor and of Mistress’s reaction. And it will remind me of Gimp. *shudders*. Mistress took me into imvu and She punished me. A punishment i needed and am thankful for. I guess there is only so far i can keep myself being good. Perhaps thats bad in itself. That no matter how good things are there is only so long i can keep that steady grasp on my submission. I shouldn’t have spoke out of turn yesterday. It was entirely unsubmissive and completly out of place of my usual behaviour. I am so ashamed of it.I’m not even sure i’m meant to mention the horse here. I hope that this doesn’t upset Mistress. I don’t want to be punished again.

Mistress has made a new friend on imvu, and rekindled friendship with another. One She is tender too. The other, a fucktoy She enjoys using and seems to be growing a fondness for. The fucktoy, wears gimp suits of various styles, and has huuuuge horns, and yesterday was wearing boots designed to look like hooves much like a ponygirl/boy might. I have no problem with that. I am very open minded about what people wish to do, but he looked so inhuman.. his appearace revulsed me.

The first thing i saw when i came into imvu was Mistress replyingto the one She is tender towards that Her day had been good until i had pissed her off. I started crying. I hadn’t meant too. I really truely hadn’t. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to run away and hide. I think yesterdays behaviour may well have been the worst i have ever done.

As i sat at Her wish at Her throne She ripped off my collar and my clothing and told me to wear the cattle collar. There were a few technical difficulties because i don’t have it in my inventory anymore, its been taken or, which i more suspect, changed as there is a collar i have no recollection of owning that is black with the word slave on it in gold lettering. Mistress told me to wear the collar if i found it or none at all. It added to my feeling of uselessness. I couldn’t do as She had wised even though i genuinly couldnt find the thing i was supposed to.

I had lost the fear i had in Mistress Sakhmett, Mistress’s.. more extreme Domme side. Stupid girl. I had almost grown comfortable with Her. She pushed yes, She was what some would call extreme, but i enjoyed the way She treated me and the things She did to me. She pushed and pushed hard but had never ever pushed at any hard limit. yesterday i was left wishing for past times, and thinking how much things had changed. Not because there wasn’t part of me that didn’t like that treatment behaviour, but because i wouldn’t have to be pushed so far. But that was replaced by fear when i listened to Mistress and what She was planning.  I would have done anything to please Mistress nad get back into her good books, not to be worthless anymore. It cut to the quick yesterday. I cried so hard. Mistress didn’t even want to touch me. Mistress had the fucktoy hanging in chains in front of the throne and was teasing him with Her crop and She made me look up at his cock, the same inhuman look to it that the rest of his body had and i inwardly got very scared. I had no idea what Mistress was going to do but i knew i wanted to please Her and i would do whatever it was She wanted. I didn’t want to be worthless anymore. Mistress once told me, after one encounter online that pushed at a hard limit by someone She had given me to to use that I shouldn’t hesitate to do it and if I do again She wouldn’t be happy so i knew that even if i was pushed that far i shouldn’t hesitate. Because it is online there is still a distance between the act is i think her reason for that and i agree.

When Mistress told me that the fucktoy was going to remind me of my place and i would not scream i felt complete revulsion and fear but also knew that i would do it because She wished it. And because of that knowledge there was part of me that found it very arousing. Even through my upset and fear i was getting turned on. Its very hard to know how to deal with that conflict of feelings. And i was slipping back into the right mindset too, so i was starting to feel grounded. Something i had needed.

Mistress hadme tell the 2 men of my misdemeanor, i didn’t want to, i hate being anything but the perfect slave. I try so hard, so so hard and i was so ashamed. But i did, as She had wished it and when She told the fucktoy to remind me of my place i was afraid, there was fear, true fear. I want to note that through all the fear i felt , that it was being done out of love and need and that i welcomed and wanted it. For those outside the lifestyle that might be hard to understand. What happened yesterday was entirely consensual. It was done to ground me back into my submission and it did, it pushed me back very very roughly into it.

I didn’t want him anywhere near me, and yet i did at the same time because Mistress did and if i am not pleasing to Her i am not worthy of Her. I wanted to run away and didn’t, i wanted to scream and push at this and knew that i couldn’t, and i didnt want to, it was very confusing to me. he revulsed me, he scared me and yet i knew too that i was happy for this because it would please Mistress and that made it pleasing to me. The reason for my revulsion was  the inhumanity of his appearence. Anyone who has seen a gimp suit knows that they take away the humanity of a person and makes them, anonymous, truely just a thing and his appearence to me was revulsive because there was nothing human about it. To me he felt and looked not much more like an animal. And that is where it pushed at a hard limit for me. Pushed so much i had to battle not to give my safe word, something Mistress had put back into place while we have been exploring the more extreme desires we have.

I looked at Him and listened to Mistress, and i felt degraded and small and worthless and inside there is part of me that relishes that.Mistress wasn’t going to touch me while this happened, and thathurt. That i had been so bad not to deserve her touch, and i was revulshed by the fucktoy and yet something inside me enjoyed that fear and revulsion.

The fucktoy had to afk for a phonecall and informed Mistress that it may not be able to give full attention to what was required of him and Mistress said that if He couldn’t The one She is tender too could have me and i hoped hoped hoped that would happen. I knelt there , ashamed and degraded hoping. I am sure Mistress knew that too. And it turned out that way, He pulled me to my feet and inspected me at arms length. He tested my wetness as i bucked into it, wanting him, and knowing that this was punishment and feeling so ashamed to have to be introduced in a bad light. There was no enjoyment had yesterday that wasn’t tinged with pain, physical and mentally. And i enjoyed that too. It taught me a lesson i seemed to desperatly need. I was not allowed to cum yesterday, i was nothing but a piece of meat to be used. He picked me up and put me on the display bed and restrained me. He tested my pain limits and he didn’t get to the edge of them. He pushed at them and i responded in pleasure as i was growing more and more aroused by them. Focussing my mind on being pleasing for Mistress.He surprisingly to me, managed to make me feel even more degraded with his words. I hadn’t expected them . I had remembered him seeming so gentle.

He called the fucktoy over, and i reeled in fear and gave all the attention i could to him and not to think about the fucktoy and how revulsed iwas by him and yet when He started to violate me , i enjoyed it too because Mistress was enjoying the show so much. He took me hard, and spanked me harder with his rubbery inhuman hands and i whimpered while at home doing the same thing to my ass as Mistress ordered. I felt violated, and full, and i did feel owned. And i felt fear, and i felt love. I felt my submission, i felt my place, deep inside.I focussed on the tender ones cock as he force fucked it, holding me onto it. when the fucktoy finished out of need and knelt by the bed Mistress took over, she roughly took my ass as i was at home, and the tenderness between Her and the one i have been calling tender one was like a nail, it was hard because i wanted to be pleasing enough to have that tenderness. But i was beyond grateful the fucktoy was no longer using me. I was happy in my place. And happy as Mistess was enjoying things.

It made the punishment even more grounding that i was between the tender one, and then the fucktoy, who revulsed and scared me. Caught between wanting and fear so obviously to me. Mistress has said She will have the fucktoy punish me if i need it again and that terrifies me i don’t want to be punished again. And yet today i feel grounded in my place. I needed it yesterday, i needed to be reminded. I enjoyed and loathed that punishment but did it to please Mistress, like i do and should do with everything.

I am sorry Mistress for my bad behaviour, and i am grateful for that lesson.

changes

Life is full of changes. We all know this. I find myself in the postion where i am going to have to move at a point when i wasn’t prepared for it where i have been left with very few options. So within the next month, maybe 2 i will be moving in with Mr I and Lady S, the friends i went to see when i went away earlier this year. They are both Dominants, married to each other in an open relationship and in the lifestyle so I am not worried that i will have to hide my submission. In fact Mr I, purely platonically, seems to be very protective of me. In fact he quite likes pointing out to people that i am one of those rare natural submissives.  Lady S is looking forward to having a girl around the house. She used to be a make up and effects technicians in the television industry and likes having someone around She can make up and someone to be girly with. Lady S is .. *thinks* She has a high appetite and is very flirtatious and loud. I think theres is the only open relationship i have seen working without any hiccups. Its very harmonious really. Lady S is a pro Domme and will occasionally have clients, though it is purely for Domination and never sex. Once, a couple of years ago now She had a client who had a fantasy of dressing up in womens clothing, make up nail polish etc, and being discovered by Lady S, and dragged and humiliated in front of Her friends because of it so She enlisted the help of me and another friend to literally sit in Her front room and laugh at him when She dragged him in. It was quite funny actually, in a cruel kind of way. Life is never quiet there. They have a lot of friends and they have a lot of visitors.

Thats going to be a big change in itself and not an entirely bad thing. I have been quite solitary my entire life and especially in the last year. I don’t have many visitors and i live in an area where i don’t have many friends. When i go stay with Lady S and Mr I i come back and have more confidence and just seem brighter. I do like to socialise and not only that but their friends have not only readily accepted me but like me. Many of them having found out my situation are bending over themselves to help. Its not something i’ve known before and i think its going to be a good thing for me. The thing that i don’t like about socialising is the nerves involved in whether people will like me. i am the kind of person who needs acceptance and *thinks* its almost like, permission to do the things i’m doing. I look at the people i know, Mistress included and maybe this is going to sound stupid, but they seem much more grown up than me. More confident. I still feel, at 25 like a stumbling teenager who doesn’t know things, or have something in my life that makes me interesting. I don’t have things i can readily talk about when the question “whats up” or “whats going on with you” comes up. All i feel i have is one issue after another. It doesn’t feel very stable and definetly not very grown up.

I’d like to be able to not feel that.. inferiority anymore. And its not like i havn’t tried to bring myself out of that. In fact i had made plans to go back to school, and to find things socially but after one thing then another and then the unexpected move because of my landlords mess it has messed that right up. This week has been uite an emotional one. Mistress was in hospital for pnuemonia, i was so worried about her and felt so far away from Her. Its time like that that the distance feels unbearable. I do love Her and the distance can seem overwhelming when something like that comes up. She’s working from home the rest of this week and She is leaving Her cam on while She works . I watch Her, and She seems so proffesional and confident and well.. happy doing it. Maybe not happy *thinks* its more like it seems to fit Her. I’d like something like that. People define you by what you do here in england. I grew up with it and its still prevelant today. I have nothing i can say when that is asked. My sister had a heart transplant 3 years ago and She can no longer work. Still when that question is asked She says She is doing graphic design. She used to be a graphic designer. She worked for places like sony and warner bro’s. Now She designs 3d outfits on imvu and sl. She really has turned it into a fair profit. But to me, it doesn’t seem like work and She can make it sound so.. important sounding and turned Her accounts into brands. I have not managed to do so well with it, i don’t make the money She does and i will never have her skill ( despite what She tells me) and it feels like such a cop out to say thats what i do. I tried very hard at it without the success She has had and i have all but given up on it after 3 years trying it. I still enjoy it but it seems almost worthless and definetly not something i could say this is what i do and be proud of it.

I feel like the only thing that really defines me is my submission. And that is not something that you can bring out in general conversation. In some circles yes but not for the majority. I couldn’t put it on a cv, i couldn’t say it at a social family like gathering. I was at my sisters anniversary party last weekend and i wa sactually stumped about what i could say. How do i answer the lovelife uestion. I am Mistress’s and owned.  but if i say yes actually i have someone that brings up questions of who , and where and what is your relationship like. How do i elaborate on what there actually is? I am not Mistress’s girlfriend even if their are elemants in the relationship that are like that and if you say you have someone, questions get bombarded at you.

Thats one i like about being at Mr I and Lady S’s.  It can be general conversation. Everyone in their circle of friends has some interest or involvement in it. Everyone openly knows Mr I and Lady S’s open relationship.  There friends range from lawyers, senior CPN’s, taxi drivers, government workers, students, unemployed and one of the leading criminal psychologists in the country. Not the kind of people you’d automatically think of as being open to that, or a mixture of people who would openly get along. I can be myself, and i can openly and enthusiastically talk about my interests and enjoyments and my relationship with Mistress and its understood.

I can roleplay again too. i did enjoy that. I used to do it with my ex fiance and i ran my own game too. Now i can go back to live action roleplay. Basically running around pretending to be a vampire, its all politics and acting. Think Anita Blake without all the sex, or maybe underworld ( which may happen as an in game downtime action but not in actuality). It gives me the chance to have an interestand hobby, and the chance to socialise with like minded people.

I openly admit i am a little geeky. I love pc’s and comic books and graphic novels and roleplay games like D &D and WoD. I like pc games and MMORPG’s. But that geekiness on top of that need of acceptance and fitting in can be a real pain in ” normal” people you’d meet, like for instance, at my sisters party. Its not something they can relate to or understand for the most part.

I’ve been thinking about that kind of stuff lately and wandered if i’m being in some way vain. Its bad to be vain. I don’t think i have ever been accused of being vain in my life. Could probably do with a little more vanity. But it is it vanity or something else. I don’t know, vanity seems the closest thing i can think of.

I worry that with being at Mr I and Lady S’s , and with all this new ability to socialise i’m going to have more pull on my time because of socialising and have less time with Mistress. Now it might be beneficial to me to have other things i can do, but i do really feel like my submision defines me the most. And i definetly feel with less available time ( or possible lesser time), how am i meant to serve as well as i can right now? And will it be detrimental on O/our relationship? I worry that it will bring a new type of distance to us. And i don’t want the closeness W/we have now to go.

My sister once told me i should stop being all inferior and think about the skills i have. Maybe its just because its sociably unacceptable to brag and boast about what you cna do that inever have done. I don’t want to be bigheaded. I think thats kind of arrogant. But i have wondered what my strengths are. My sister said definetly computers, hardware and software. And i suppose thats true. I can rival her husband in conversations and keep my own with people who work in IT. I suppose i am not bad at working in graphics. My sister thinks i could make a good graphic designer but i wonder just how much of that is just talk because She was the one who trained me to use the various programmes. I think i can write ok. I get compliments on my ability to express myself in this blog for instance. I can’t really think of any others though. Its not exactly a great big list.

And i’ve been kind of trying to figure out what kind of person i am. I mean my likes and dislikes. I’ve never really had a good look at what makes me me.

I like to read. I like to read historical fantasies, erotic fiction, lesbian victoriana fiction, i like sci fi and fantasy and i like books like wild swans, and the last empress as i have an interest in chinese history especially where it involves around the lives of women.

I like sitcoms, friends, will and grace, the it crowd, friends, frasier etc. I also like darker british sitcoms like black books and spaced.

I kind of like *writes in shame* i like Gok Wan’s shows, fashion makeover shows basically.

I like oriental style, and celtic.

I like all sorts of music.

I love online gaming.

I am starting to like the idea of bellydancing. I’ve always thought it looked kind of nice anyway but i got a few dvd’s on how to do… Beginners ones and one on yoga and tai chi. If nothing else its good for exercise and anything that can get me off my butt to exercise is good.

i’m not quite sure what the above says about me but its a start i guess. Of what i don’t know. I’m not sure this post has a point. Its more just rambling. I havn’t been blogging because i havn’t really felt like i had a point, but these are things that have played on my mind recently.

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Brutal punishment

I forgot to send a message to someone Mistress asked me to today. It wasn’t a big message, but i did forget it.I had apoligised. But that isn’t really what the post is about. Its about the punishment for that.

Mistress and i were in imvu, Mistress has met someone on there She has been interested in talking to. She had gone on to talk to him so we left wow so She could talk to Him. We went into fetish fire but he couldn’t stay for very long. When He left Mistress dragged me over to the cage by my collar roughly. Tonight i was due a punishment, for forgetting the message, punishment for forgetting my place, and for forgetting what Sakhmett makes me feel

Mistress whipped me hard, She spanked me and She slapped my face making it very clear i was not allowed to make any noise. I remember trembling, and trembling hard. In fact my legs are still like jelly now. All the talk and fantasising about rougher play finally became more than just talk. And i liked it, i got more and more turned on by it, and more and more small and there was an edge of fear that made that aching even more pronounced.

I listened in shocked silence  as Mistress in anger it seemed berated me for forgetting Her message. Never has She spoken to me in a punishment before. She Asked me again and again how i could forget such an easy fucking message. She slapped my face and She told me that i shouldnt do anything to make her look so stupid again. She said i was a worthless slave. She told me that I pushed and pushed and that She allowed it when She shouldn’t have and She said that i had forgotten who Sakhmett was.

She is right.. Sakhmett doesn’t strike the.. fear that She used to. I don’t cower in Her presence. I don’t feel that instant heat for Her right away as i used to around Sakhmett. I think partly that is because Mistress is so busy with work right now though. There has been less intimacy, and i am fine with that, i do not stifle, but quell my own desires so i don’t end up pushing for something when its just circumstances of the time and business. And i do push, not nessacerily sex but for control.. Sometimes on purpose i push on things, with my behavior and my words. Which forces Her hand , and i shouldn’t do that. I want to make it clear its not the intimacy i push, its the .. control i push for.

Mistress said that She would  make me do whatever  She fucking wanted, whatever it took to get me to learn my lesson and no matter i egged for Her actions to stop. She dragged me to the bed and She made me get my toys at home, had me push them both inside hard, one at a time, and made me fuck myself on cam, my act a show for Her and if it was not good enough i would be under punishment for everyday for a week. She wanted it rough, and She wanted pain.. So i did and hard.. So very hard. I am still sore now, sitting hurts and my stomach aches a little.

She asked me if i felt like Her whore, She called me cunt, and bitch and i was shocked by it and it turned me on even more. I was almost revelling in it i admit, but also i knew this was punishment.. A double edged sword. I knew i had done wrong and i had been humiliated for that. I felt bad for it too. I came hard.

Mistess left to smoke, telling me i could take the toy out of my pussy,but to keep the one in my ass and to squirm on it so i knew very definetly that it was there. And i did, even as it was burning inside i did. I knew Mistress wanted me to feel it and honestly i revelled in the pain, it felt good.

Mistress was a long time afk, and i got worried actually about whether She was prolonging the time smoking to add to the punishment. As it turns out She was on the phone but i didn’t know that. I have a problem with isolation. Its a big thing for me and because i didn’t know She was on the phone i got upset. I teared up a bit too. I tried very hard to focus on that burning inside and it helped.

When She came in i could see She was on the phone so i did calm down. Afterwards we went back to playing wow, though honestly i wasn’t exactly with it at first and i spent a long time thinking about what had happened and how i felt about it…

I liked it.. My body responded to it in an explosive way.. And mentally i felt extremely small. I felt a fear that laced everything else and it felt even better. Going back to just normal straight after was hard, and yet that very thing is part of what i like too.. Just being used and then left.. At Her whim.. It was like letting go and just being owned. There is no other feeling that matches it.

I think fear is the catalyst for it, for the .. brutal treatment that i have such a liking for. Fear and the pain. It wouldn’t work without it. I have thought, should i be worried about that fear turning to something i dont like and if it would change the relationship Mistress and i have. But i don’t feel any worry. I think Mistress and i have gotten this far because of the trust we have in each other. I know when i felt that fear that it could be used badly, but Mistress is not the kind of person to do that and that is why I am Her slave. Why the limits and reservations were removed.

Coming back and writing about this I can still feel the impact left by yesterday even though i am exhausted today. It still hurts to sit somewhat, and the commute was not fun today. I can still fear the shock that came off me from Mistress’s words. Even in an environment that has lost .. a connection i had in it i still feel it and if Mistress had said them to me Herself, i wonder what my reaction would have been then, and how different it would have been.

I belong

I am slave.

I am not friend, or lover though i wear those faces too.

My happiness is Her happiness.

My desires are Her desires.

I serve Her out of love.

I do always as She wishes.

My loyalty is for Her.

My body, my love, my heart, my everything is Hers.

I belong to Her completly. To be around Her is happiness to me. I strive to be all i can for Her. I try always to be her anchor, Her rock. I would happily sit and just be near Her. I happily watch Her from afar and long for the day when that distance is shortened. I yearn to serve Her fully and i live with that ache everyday. I hope i return the devotion and love Mistress puts in me. I feel very humble to have earned such trust and faith from Mistress. All i do , i do with Mistress in mind. Would She like this or what would She do in my place. I have complete faith and trust in Mistress, and i am happy. I am Hers until the day She decides otherwise. She completes me in ways i have never felt before. I belong to Her fully.

hold me when I’m here
Right me when I’m wrong
Hold me when I’m scared
And love me when I’m gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I’ll never let you down
Even if I could
I’d give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I’m here
Right me when I’m wrong
You can hold me when I’m scared
You won’t always be there
So love me when your gone

Losing myself in Mistress

Mistress and i talk on the phone every morning. I wake Her for work and we talk, sometimes just sit in silence. I listen to Her breathing then. We talked this morning, talked about the upcoming work day, things that had happened last night. many things and we sat in silence too and i listened to just Her breathing. Its a time i really enjoy and without it my day feels empty somehow.

This morning Mistress had just gotten into the car when She started to tell me about the fantasies in Her mind as She played last night. I caught my breath as i listened. I found myself squirming in my chair as i listened with bated breath for every delicious detail. I admit i was surprised. Not that Mistress played, not that She fantasised about me but things have been quite chaste lately and the sudden flip into something else was like fire burning through me. It added to all the fantasies of my own, and made me ache inside as i listened to how Mistress had fantasised about me. About objectifying and using me. About when She had guests that knew of the lifestyle over how i would meet them at the door and pleasure them. Licking them out or sucking them off. How She would use me , naked and on my knees as a coffetable for their drinks, how She would take my ass and fuck me hard and while She did offer my nouth to Her guest, stuffing me. How vividly She heard my gagging as he fucked my mouth, my little whimpers and the noises sucking off brings. She told me about how She called me all the names under the sun, bitch, slut, cunt, whore.. And i craved and yearned for it more and more. I yearned for it like normal vanilla people would crave a gentle kiss. I yearned for the pain, and objectification, the humiliation and the service. She told me how once i had been fully used and finally allowed to clean up that i would be sent to Her room and told to shackle myself and wait for Her, and before Her guest left He would come in and fuck me roughly, using me and then leaving. How She would come in and if Her guest was pleased She would take me hard and finally let me cum after not being allowed to before that point, and if  i had not pleased i would be punished and whipped. The edge of fear crept up in me and i savoured it because it made me even more aroused. She told me how She had fantasised often about having me sleep stuffed, a plug up my ass. And i told Mistress about 2 nights ago, and how i had played, and wanting to feel extra owned that night i had slept with my anal beads in. I knew Mistress wanted something like that, and i knew Mistress would like it. I am glad i got the chance to tell Her. As things have been so chaste i havnt really gone into great detail of my play of late. Nor the fantasies i have had. Or how violent and objectifying they have been too. Of how i fantasise quite a lot about being whipped until i slump in my restraints unable to support myself, the pain coursing through me and the bliss it brings up in me. I havn’t had a Dominant yet whip me to that point, they always stop short. Maybe its just because i can take so much, it takes to long. My fantasies that mirror Mistress’s so much, of being used in that fashion, the name calling, the objectification.The humiliation.  Of how i have fantasised about Her, of how much i want Her body, to see Her, to worship  her skin, to kiss it, lick it, run my hands over Her, pleasure Her and show Her my slavery. Of how in my head i have fantasised every last inch of Her body and the heat that brings in me. How i’ve fantasised of being taken until i beg for it to stop, and beg and beg and Mistress doesn’t stop, knowing that really i don’t want it to stop no matter how much i beg. The more time passed since we last played the more violent and .. extreme i guess, my fantasies have become.

Mistress asked me as i listened if ihad my toys handy. I actually cursed in my head for not having them at my desk. They were in my bedroom. Mistress told me i had 30 seconds to fetch them.  I ran to get them. When i got back Mistress told me to push one of my toys into my ass and i did whimpering. Then the other in my pussy. She asked me if i felt stuffed and god i did. Oh god i did. Mistress hasn’t done anything with me in a little while and god it felt good. She told me that after She hung up i was to take one of my toys out, and leave the other in and leave it in  until She got to work at 7.30. And until then i was to keep myself very aware of its presence, to move and squirm on it but not to fuck myself. And when 7.30 came i was then allowed to bring myself off with my toy. No gentleness. I was to do it roughly. At that Mistress went and i whimpered after She had gone wishing for Her voice in my ear. I took the toy out of my ass. usually i would have kept it in but Mistress said that if She was pleased with my post about this that She would use me tonight and i so desperatly want that right now. And iknow if She is pleased and She does She wll use my ass some way and i don’t want to be unable to do as She wishes. I also know that having a toy in my pussy for so long has a greater impact. Something about my ass being fucked is very .. immediate for me. being stuffed and leaving it there equates to feeling owned for me and as good as it feels it doesn’t give the same torment as a toy in my pussy gives me. And being fucked in the ass.. Thats a very quick, violating, pleasurable thing.

So i left that toy in my pussy. I sat and squirmed on it, feeling it burn and dig deep inside me as i fidgeted on my chair and felt it brush my gspot and push inside me. The burning got more and more intense and i tried to carry on with something, i watched some tv, i read for a bit sitting at my desk and the burning and the desire grew and grew. I actually stood up for a bit, clenching and holding the toy inside me and still the torment grew and at this point i lost my ability to pay attention to something else. I think this was about 6.45. Until this point i had been watching the time , praying for it to hurry up so i could release. I sat down at my desk again forgetting to be careful of how i sat and my toy forced itself deep inside me until my stomach ached and i was completly full. Of how the aching was like a wave of sharp pain and pleasure all at once and how i whimpered and buried my head on the desk trying to catch my breath. Then i moved to the sofa, and i knelt on all fours trying to take away some of the pressure from my aching wet pussy. How i buried my head in the sofa cushions my ass up in the air  and still i whimpered. I was startig to forget what was around me and ijust kept thinking of Mistress, of how much i wanted Her, of how much of a slut this made me and just how much She owned me. I curled up into a ball on the sofa and just whimpered, every movement at this point sweet torture and the desire running through me from the tiniest movement was immense. I wasn’t thinking by then. I felt like an animal.. All i could focus on was that toy inside me. I curled up tight and whimpered and moaned and i was begging in my head for Mistress to come and give me release from the torture knowing that that wasn’t going to happen. I lost all track of myself, things got all .. floaty. Like when you meditate for a long time and its like a part of you shuts down and you just feel. I rememer looking up at one point and fantasising so strongly that i saw Mistress there. I know i closed my eyes then and whimpered and whimpered. I looked at the time and it was only 7.10. I was beside myself and i curled up even tighter,  i think my knees were pressed into my chest.

Then at 7.35 i saw the time.. And iwas sooo thankful that Mistress said i could release now. I fucked myself hard.. So very hard.. I pushed the toy in so deeply that ache came again , and still i pushed against it. My thighs were slick and the toy slid in and out so easily. I clawed at myself a little and i pinched at my nipples and when i had cum, as i was coming down from it, every movement sweet agony i spanked my pussy, again and again until finally i felt sated and used.